Business

'Limited edition' products guaranteed to attract twats

ANYTHING ‘limited edition’, whether a sports car or a Snickers, attracts the high-spending twat demographic like moths to a flame, marketers have confirmed.

House prices increase by precisely the amount of stamp duty cut

THE price of homes for first-time buyers has gone up by exactly what they are set to save after yesterday’s cut in stamp duty.

Shops a f**king nightmare already

THE UK’s shops are already a complete f**king nightmare and retailers have confirmed they will remain that way until Christmas.

John Lewis monster ate five children during filming

THE John Lewis monster devoured five child actors during the filming of the store’s Christmas advert, a behind-the-scenes special revealed.

Mary Portas seen giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to jewellery shop

MARY Portas has been filmed desperately attempting to resuscitate a dying branch of Warren James jewellers in Margate high street.

I've leased this Snickers back to myself via an offshore holding company, says man caught shoplifting

A MAN leaving a shop without paying for a Snickers has explained that, thanks to a network of complex offshore arrangements, it is perfectly legal.

Interest rates up 3.5 per cent, says your mortgage provider

INTEREST rates have gone up 0.25 per cent according to the Bank of England and 3.5 per cent according to your mortgage provider.

Ice cream van driving round like it's the middle of f**king summer

AN ICE cream van is still driving round like it’s not nearly the end of f**king October.

Parents reminded that Halloween the only thing stopping Christmas

PARENTS resentful about Halloween have been reminded it is the only thing standing between them and full-on Christmas.

UK economy now 92 per cent paintball

BRITAIN’S economy is almost entirely based on paintball, according to new figures.

Cash machine expects pat on the back for not charging you

A CITY centre cash machine is expecting gratitude and thanks for not charging users £1.50 a time to take out their own money.

Londoner bewildered by laptop-free cafe

A LONDONER visiting a Costa Coffee in Stoke-on-Trent cannot understand where all the laptops have gone.