NOBODY at John Lewis knows what its long-standing slogan is supposed to mean, it has been confirmed.
THE Bank of Mum and Dad has had to call on assistance from its grandparent bank after a year of substantial losses.
THE government's website for tax and benefits has either been hacked by Russia or is just a piece of shit.
A FARMER whose bright orange cider makes you shit yourself is not inspired by Brew Dog, he has confirmed.
BRITONS who would like to boycott Wetherspoons because of its chairman’s political views have admitted it is impossible.
THE new one pound coin would rather not be attached to a doomed currency, it has confirmed.
WORKERS have expressed no surprise that their strange new colleague was educated by his parents.
ECONOMISTS have explained what rising inflation means by asking if you remember the fourth-hand Chopper bike you got for your birthday in 1978.
APPLE has denied that the Apple Watch ever existed.
A BOSS who claimed in a job interview that everyone in his office was crazy was desperately asking for help, a new employee has discovered.
CORPORATIONS that hate and fear women have wished them a happy International Women’s Day.
A MAN is loathed by his colleagues for not working regular extra hours for no money.