Business

Curry houses face shortage of limp salad for you to ignore

CURRY restaurants are facing bankruptcy after a lettuce shortage means they have no limp salads for diners to disregard.

Big-hearted rail companies not going to burn down your house

IN an act of unprecedented generosity, Britain’s train companies have confirmed they will never set fire to your house.

Local handyman forced to accept some jobs are too big or small

A LOCAL odd job man has admitted that some jobs are too big or small for him.

Tesco buying Londis so they can charge 85p for a can of Tizer

TESCO is buying Londis because they can charge 85p for a Tizer and up to £1.60 for a loaf of white bread.

Lone well person in office feeling left out

THE only healthy person on his office floor is considering faking a chesty cough to fit in better.

'On hold' music to get angrier the longer you are on hold

THE length of time a person has been on hold to a call centre is to be reflected by increasingly furious hold music.

Southern Rail threatens return to 'full service'

SOUTHERN Rail has ominously announced that its dreaded ‘full service’ is set to resume.

Most Britons working either seven or seventy hours a week

BRITONS with jobs are either desperately under-employed freelancers or working like a bastard, it has emerged.

Every building in London to be a Pret A Manger by 2020

PRET A Manger has announced plans to open its ten millionth London branch by the end of the decade.

CEO has already made what you earn in a year although to be fair you do f**k all

THE head of a massive company has earned more than your annual salary in just four days, although to be fair you don’t really work very hard.

Cakes 'not even close to making work okay'

ATTEMPTS to bribe the workforce with cake have failed miserably, it has been confirmed.

Grandmothers offering £10k for endangered pink wafers

DESPERATE grandmothers across Britain are willing to pay between £1,000 and £10,000 for endangered pink wafers.