Business

Apple not toothless crofter living alone in peat-burning cottage, EU rules

THE EU has ruled that Apple is not a kindly old crofter living in an isolated cottage in County Mayo, as it had claimed for tax purposes. 

Man back from holiday furious at his lazy past self

A MAN has returned to the office furious at how much work was left undone by his lazy bastard self from a fortnight ago.

Mothers don’t need money because they have the joy of children

MOTHERS do not mind earning a third less because having children is so wonderful, a report has found.

‘The Brexiteer’ pub chain launched

A CHAIN of pubs called The Brexiteer has opened for people who are jubilant about leaving the EU.

Olympics-themed office fun 'not fun'

OLYMPICS-RELATED office 'fun' only serves to highlight the shitness of work, it has emerged.

Banks reassure customers that no savings will be passed on to them

THE UK’s borrowers and mortgage-holders have been reassured that yesterday’s interest rate cut will not affect their monthly repayments.

One in five HSBC cashpoint transactions to release snakes

TWENTY per cent of HSBC cashpoint withdrawals will release deadly venomous snakes in order to restore the bank’s profits, they have confirmed.

I took a big pay cut to follow my dream, says patronising wanker

A FORMER banker who is now a baker cannot help mentioning how much money he used to earn.

Greggs introduces healthy options for weak, scared people

BAKER Greggs has unveiled a series of lighter menu options for people who lack the integrity to buy a sausage roll.

Houses to be sold at checkouts to encourage impulse buyers

PROPERTY is to be placed in eye-catching displays at supermarket and garage tills to encourage impulse home ownership, the government has announced.

McDonald’s in weird position of being the ‘ethical burger’

MCDONALD'S has become an ethical burger chain by a process of elimination.

Woman gets desirable job because of merit

A WOMAN has landed a sought-after job because of her ability rather than some complex network of personal connections.