Business

Hard drive manufacturer sends you Valentine's email

THE manufacturer of your backup hard drive has sent you a special love-themed offer for Valentine's Day.

Student loans sold to hard bastard who hates students

STUDENT loans have been sold to an extremely hard bastard who hates students and is into cage fighting.

Uber quietly reinstalled

A WOMAN has stealthily reinstalled taxi app Uber after a week of condemning it on social media.

Curry houses face shortage of limp salad for you to ignore

CURRY restaurants are facing bankruptcy after a lettuce shortage means they have no limp salads for diners to disregard.

Big-hearted rail companies not going to burn down your house

IN an act of unprecedented generosity, Britain’s train companies have confirmed they will never set fire to your house.

Local handyman forced to accept some jobs are too big or small

A LOCAL odd job man has admitted that some jobs are too big or small for him.

Tesco buying Londis so they can charge 85p for a can of Tizer

TESCO is buying Londis because they can charge 85p for a Tizer and up to £1.60 for a loaf of white bread.

Lone well person in office feeling left out

THE only healthy person on his office floor is considering faking a chesty cough to fit in better.

'On hold' music to get angrier the longer you are on hold

THE length of time a person has been on hold to a call centre is to be reflected by increasingly furious hold music.

Southern Rail threatens return to 'full service'

SOUTHERN Rail has ominously announced that its dreaded ‘full service’ is set to resume.

Most Britons working either seven or seventy hours a week

BRITONS with jobs are either desperately under-employed freelancers or working like a bastard, it has emerged.

Every building in London to be a Pret A Manger by 2020

PRET A Manger has announced plans to open its ten millionth London branch by the end of the decade.