Business

You can stuff your stupid airline up your arse, taxpayers tell Branson

BRITISH taxpayers have suggested the grinning billionaire who sued the NHS while hoovering up rail subsidies can stick his airline right up his arse.

The right-winger's guide to why we should all die to help the economy

RIGHT-WING and a firm believer in the magical power of the free market? Not fussed about mass death?

WH Smith confirms it will survive everything like retail version of cockroach

NEWSAGENT WH Smith has confirmed that coronavirus cannot affect it because it is indestructible.

Expensive, pointless railway line more important than ever, says government

SPENDING £110 billion on HS2 to help people move around the country faster is just what this pandemic needs, the government has confirmed.

Aldi limiting customers to one fluorescent ski-suit or two water-resistant cuckoo clocks per person

BUDGET supermarket Aldi is restricting shoppers to one fluorescent all-in-one ski suit per person, and no more than two waterproof cuckoo clocks.

The more essential your work the less you get paid, them's the rules, says capitalism

CAPITALISM has confirmed that the more vital to society your work is, the less you therefore earn.

Lobster mac 'n' cheese, and what else to expect in your M&S essential food box

MIDDLE-CLASS grocer Marks & Spencer are launching an essential food delivery box for £35 plus delivery. These items should keep your household a cut above.

Shelf-stacker going to work with picture of sweetheart in his pocket

A 19-YEAR-OLD Lidl employee is keeping a photo in his pocket of the sweetheart he will marry when this madness is over.

Your inexplicable and unnecessary coronavirus email from the Daily Mash

EIGHT years ago you gave us your email address, so like every other business you’ve ever interacted with we’re sending a baffling and pointless coronavirus email.

Mike Ashley offers to open Sports Direct but stop paying wages

MIKE Ashley has offered to open his Sports Direct stores to help public health but, as a compromise, will stop paying his staff.

23 Mars missions, and what else £100 billion could buy you instead of HS2

THE HS2 line linking London and Birmingham, which are already linked, is currently set to cost £100bn. What else could that money buy?

Amazon detractors forced to admit that Saudi Royal family is just slightly worse

PEOPLE who have been complaining about the evils of Amazon for years have been forced to admit that the Saudi Arabian Royal family might just have the edge.