Business

What unnecessary shite are you getting from the shops?

WITH shops open again, it’s time for a zombie-like stagger through them for stuff you don’t want that won’t make you happy. Like these:

Couple request mortgage holiday after trip to Waitrose

A COUPLE who decided to shop in Waitrose as a treat have come home and immediately requested a three-month mortgage holiday.

Thousands of naked people queue for Primark as their cheap shit clothes fell apart weeks ago

PRIMARK branches around England are besieged by naked Primark customers whose crappy clothing fell apart a fortnight into lockdown.

Bastard free trial renews because you forgot

THAT f**king free trial thing you did last month has renewed for a sum of money you did not want to pay because you forget to cancel.

Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with Ikea?

IKEA customers queued for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet yesterday. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?

Woman not sure what's so f**king amazing about garden centres

A WOMAN has made a post-lockdown visit to her local garden centre only to wonder what the f**k is meant to be so vital about it.

Estate agent puzzled that Tuesday clap for estate agents not catching on

AN estate agent cannot understand why Britons have not got behind clapping and cheering on Tuesdays for house-selling middlemen.

'Hope you enjoyed your free lunch, scroungers,' says Rishi Sunak

THE chancellor has wished freeloaders all the best as he cuts off their handout for lounging around at home not getting COVID-19.

How to endure a Zoom call with a terrible f**king connection

THE only thing worse than a meeting is a Zoom meeting with a f**cking bad connection. Here’s how to endure your next one.

You can stuff your stupid airline up your arse, taxpayers tell Branson

BRITISH taxpayers have suggested the grinning billionaire who sued the NHS while hoovering up rail subsidies can stick his airline right up his arse.

The right-winger's guide to why we should all die to help the economy

RIGHT-WING and a firm believer in the magical power of the free market? Not fussed about mass death?

WH Smith confirms it will survive everything like retail version of cockroach

NEWSAGENT WH Smith has confirmed that coronavirus cannot affect it because it is indestructible.