Business

High-achieving woman has strict morning routine and shitloads of money

A WOMAN who credits her success to her disciplined morning routine somehow neglects to mention the fact she inherited £3.2m aged 21.

Hip young entrepreneur opens trendy cafe in town that only eats pies

A YOUNG businessman is convinced his fashionable eatery in an unadventurous Northern town will start making money soon.

I regret to inform British businesses that it is necessary for us to go mad

AS BUSINESS secretary of the current Conservative government, I have made assurances to companies operating within the UK that we will operate in their best interests.

Ryanair 'a totally acceptable casualty of Brexit'

MOST people would be prepared to live in abject poverty if it was guaranteed that Ryanair would go down with them, it has emerged.

Man's focus in life narrows to being in for a delivery

A MAN has given up on his job, his relationships and his family ensure he is in when a package arrives at his house.

Supermarkets just f**king dying to put the Easter Eggs out

BRITAIN’S supermarket chains have confirmed they are just fucking itching to start putting Easter eggs out.  

Middle class man hires working class man to build snowman

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children.

'Oops, did our advert piss off dickheads?' asks razor blade company

A RAZOR blade company has expressed surprise that its latest advert has pissed off a lot of dickheads.

Woman pretending she's not in department store just to do a shit

A WOMAN is pretending to be browsing the floors of a department store while actually plotting a course for their toilets, she has confessed.

Nana outlives the HMV voucher she got you for Christmas

YOUR 91-year-old grandmother is surprised to have remained vital for longer than the £20 HMV voucher she bought you for Christmas, she has admitted.

Britain returns to pretending to work

BRITAIN'S workers have returned to staring purposefully at their screens for eight hours.

Real-life Scrooge expects team to do some work this week

A REAL-LIFE version of Scrooge has cruelly demanded his merry staff do some work this week.