WITH shops open again, it’s time for a zombie-like stagger through them for stuff you don’t want that won’t make you happy. Like these:
A COUPLE who decided to shop in Waitrose as a treat have come home and immediately requested a three-month mortgage holiday.
PRIMARK branches around England are besieged by naked Primark customers whose crappy clothing fell apart a fortnight into lockdown.
THAT f**king free trial thing you did last month has renewed for a sum of money you did not want to pay because you forget to cancel.
IKEA customers queued for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet yesterday. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?
A WOMAN has made a post-lockdown visit to her local garden centre only to wonder what the f**k is meant to be so vital about it.
AN estate agent cannot understand why Britons have not got behind clapping and cheering on Tuesdays for house-selling middlemen.
THE chancellor has wished freeloaders all the best as he cuts off their handout for lounging around at home not getting COVID-19.
THE only thing worse than a meeting is a Zoom meeting with a f**cking bad connection. Here’s how to endure your next one.
BRITISH taxpayers have suggested the grinning billionaire who sued the NHS while hoovering up rail subsidies can stick his airline right up his arse.
RIGHT-WING and a firm believer in the magical power of the free market? Not fussed about mass death?
NEWSAGENT WH Smith has confirmed that coronavirus cannot affect it because it is indestructible.
- Expensive, pointless railway line more important than ever, says government
- Aldi limiting customers to one fluorescent ski-suit or two water-resistant cuckoo clocks per person
- The more essential your work the less you get paid, them's the rules, says capitalism
- Lobster mac 'n' cheese, and what else to expect in your M&S essential food box