BRITAIN’S supermarket chains have confirmed they are just fucking itching to start putting Easter eggs out.
A MIDDLE-CLASS man has hired a working class tradesman to build a snowman in the back garden with his beloved children.
A RAZOR blade company has expressed surprise that its latest advert has pissed off a lot of dickheads.
A WOMAN is pretending to be browsing the floors of a department store while actually plotting a course for their toilets, she has confessed.
YOUR 91-year-old grandmother is surprised to have remained vital for longer than the £20 HMV voucher she bought you for Christmas, she has admitted.
BRITAIN'S workers have returned to staring purposefully at their screens for eight hours.
A REAL-LIFE version of Scrooge has cruelly demanded his merry staff do some work this week.
RYANAIR has agreed to compensate passengers whose flights were cancelled by banning them from flying Ryanair ever again.
JAPANESE car companies will pull out of the UK if there is a no-deal Brexit, but admitted that must be really scary.
THERESA May has bought the only non-discounted item in Sports Direct, it has emerged.
AN inconsiderate arsehole took delivery of an Amazon parcel instead of allowing the delivery man to run off after one knock, it has emerged.
EMPLOYEES of large companies who wear their company logo in their leisure time are usually prize bellends, it has emerged.