Business

One-way system in Next basically fascism, says mum

A MOTHER of three adult children has called them all to say the new one-way system in Next is tantamount to an authoritarian regime.

'It's like they don't want the work', says man who thinks builders are poor

A MAN is mystified that builders have not returned his calls because he assumes they live in skips wearing filthy overalls desperate for cash-in-hand.

Queue outside Games Workshop reaches two meters

QUEUES outside branches of Games Workshop have reached the two-metre mark as pairs of desperate gamers wait to get inside.

Woman proud to support independent shops once she's cross-checked prices online

A WOMAN is passionate about supporting local businesses, provided they are not marking products up too much compared to global retail giant Amazon.

What unnecessary shite are you getting from the shops?

WITH shops open again, it’s time for a zombie-like stagger through them for stuff you don’t want that won’t make you happy. Like these:

Couple request mortgage holiday after trip to Waitrose

A COUPLE who decided to shop in Waitrose as a treat have come home and immediately requested a three-month mortgage holiday.

Thousands of naked people queue for Primark as their cheap shit clothes fell apart weeks ago

PRIMARK branches around England are besieged by naked Primark customers whose crappy clothing fell apart a fortnight into lockdown.

Bastard free trial renews because you forgot

THAT f**king free trial thing you did last month has renewed for a sum of money you did not want to pay because you forget to cancel.

Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with Ikea?

IKEA customers queued for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet yesterday. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?

Woman not sure what's so f**king amazing about garden centres

A WOMAN has made a post-lockdown visit to her local garden centre only to wonder what the f**k is meant to be so vital about it.

Estate agent puzzled that Tuesday clap for estate agents not catching on

AN estate agent cannot understand why Britons have not got behind clapping and cheering on Tuesdays for house-selling middlemen.

'Hope you enjoyed your free lunch, scroungers,' says Rishi Sunak

THE chancellor has wished freeloaders all the best as he cuts off their handout for lounging around at home not getting COVID-19.