A SMALL business is staffed entirely by f**king morons who cannot understand why everything takes ages, it has emerged.
HOUSE of Fraser is to cease the 'economically suicidal' practice of giving customers goods when they pay for them, it has confirmed.
JOHN Lewis is beginning to wonder if its prices may be much, much higher than its rivals after years of wilful ignorance.
TUBS of Heroes and Celebrations have been placed right by the entrance of every supermarket just in case you fancy them for whatever reason, say retailers.
A PUB has revamped its smoking area by adding walls, a roof and a bar selling beer.
SUPERMARKETS are stocking up on strange, exotic ingredients for first-year students who have never had to feed themselves before.
A FRIENDLY email reminder is actually quite hostile, it has emerged.
THE Devil has bought the £400m loan book of bankrupt payday lender Wonga to take possession of all 200,000 souls inside.
TK MAXX has explained that it makes a profit on £50 Gucci jeans by selling liquorice whirls by the counter for £3.50.
SPORTS Direct owner Mike Ashley has attacked 'greedy' commercial landlords with bathing in an 18ft meat pie.
THE BEST chip shop in Britain is basically the same as the shittest, it has been confirmed.
INMATES at HMP Birmingham have asked if they could continue running the prison if they called themselves L4G.