SUPERMARKETS are stocking up on strange, exotic ingredients for first-year students who have never had to feed themselves before.
A FRIENDLY email reminder is actually quite hostile, it has emerged.
THE Devil has bought the £400m loan book of bankrupt payday lender Wonga to take possession of all 200,000 souls inside.
TK MAXX has explained that it makes a profit on £50 Gucci jeans by selling liquorice whirls by the counter for £3.50.
SPORTS Direct owner Mike Ashley has attacked 'greedy' commercial landlords with bathing in an 18ft meat pie.
THE BEST chip shop in Britain is basically the same as the shittest, it has been confirmed.
INMATES at HMP Birmingham have asked if they could continue running the prison if they called themselves L4G.
A COUPLE who bought a house are suddenly interested in 'the economy', their friends have confirmed.
A COMPANY that wrote a sickeningly over-the-top advert for a boring job has had to rethink its expectations.
RESIDENTS of a sleepy Shropshire market town would be absolutely stoked if a massive Tesco opened, they have confirmed.
HUMANS do not celebrate the anniversary of getting their job, the world has told LinkedIn.
WETHERSPOON has unveiled its new 'Brexit Chaos' breakfast, which includes an unknown quantity of vague, ever-changing ingredients.
- Shop assistant asking if you 'need any help' definitely thinks you're going to nick something
- I lost my life savings for nothing more than being a naive, greedy bastard who fell for a get-rich-quick scheme
- Boss taking credit for team's work only contributed management bullshit
- Waitrose closing stores because you're not good enough for them