Business

How to look like a b*llend when receiving a platonic hug

AWKWARD continental-style hugs and kisses are a social minefield. Here’s how to get them really wrong.

Matalan's new slogan 'For the mum who's given up on life'

HIGH street retailer Matalan has changed its slogan to ‘for the mum who’s given up on life’.

Pound drops to 1 nectar point

STERLING has plummeted to an all-time low against the Nectar point.

Have you missed the PPI deadline? Claim compensation NOW

DID you forget that the deadline to claim PPI compensation was August 29th, 2019?

The Brexiter's guide to products made by traitors

ANY business opposing a no-deal Brexit is committing treason and everything they make should be boycotted and burned. Here’s a list of today’s un-products:

Wetherspoons to replace foreign beers with bags of glue

JD Wetherspoons has confirmed that it will be removing all foreign drinks from its pubs and replacing them with proper British bags of sniffing glue.

The moron's guide to using self-service checkouts

SCANNING your own shopping provides excellent opportunities for annoying other customers. Here’s how to make everyone behind you want to ram a courgette up your arse.

Rural pub adds second wine

A RURAL pub has doubled its wine list by adding a second option.

Brexit to revive struggling Readers' Wives industry

A HARD Brexit would give the UK’s struggling Readers’ Wives industry the shot in the arm it needs to survive, experts believe.

Now the recycling man won't know how much wine you drink, says Waitrose

WAITROSE has launched a new bring-your-own-container policy so the neighbours and binmen will never know how much you drink.

Mechanic wasn't going to rip man off until he opened his mouth

A MECHANIC was genuinely going to charge a fair price to fix a car until its owner provoked him by saying something.

Cockney economists confirm national debt is 353 billion monkeys

EAST End economists have warned that the UK’s debt stands at 353bn monkeys, or 176.5bn bags of sand.