PETER Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.
ADMINISTRATORS were called into cheese and onion crisps last night as the classic flavour became the latest high profile victim of the recession.
VENTURE capitalists in New York and London are pumping millions of dollars into Somalia's booming pirate sector.
THE 75,000 workers sacked by Citigroup are to be bought by the multi-national food conglomerate Findus, it was confirmed last night.
THE Pound is not just great, it's fabulous, the prime minister confirmed last night.
THE banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts claimed last night.
RYANAIR is to become the first budget carrier to fly passengers to New York in utter misery for less than a tenner.
THE mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.
LLOYDS TSB chief executive Eric Daniels was last night urged not to speak until he had swallowed all the cake in his mouth.
THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.
GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.
THE corpse-like odour that emanates from kebab shops was last night revealed to be corpses.