Government To Bail Out Pathetic Lapland Theme Park

PETER Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.

Cheese And Onion Crisps Go Into Administration

ADMINISTRATORS were called into cheese and onion crisps last night as the classic flavour became the latest high profile victim of the recession.

Venture Capitalists Invest In Somali Pirates

VENTURE capitalists in New York and London are pumping millions of dollars into Somalia's booming pirate sector.

Sacked Citigroup Workers Bought By Findus

THE 75,000 workers sacked by Citigroup are to be bought by the multi-national food conglomerate Findus, it was confirmed last night.

Pound Fabulous

THE Pound is not just great, it's fabulous, the prime minister confirmed last night.

Banks Not Happy Until All That's Left Is Banks

THE banks will not rest until they have destroyed everything that is not a bank, experts claimed last night.

Ryanair to offer £8 transatlantic shitfest

RYANAIR is to become the first budget carrier to fly passengers to New York in utter misery for less than a tenner.

BP Has All The Money

THE mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.

Lloyds Chief Spitting Cake Everywhere

LLOYDS TSB chief executive Eric Daniels was last night urged not to speak until he had swallowed all the cake in his mouth.

Banks Told To Stop Being So Obsessed With Money

THE government last night urged Britain's leading mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.

Markets Urged To Make Their Fucking Minds Up

GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.

Kebab Smell Really Is Corpses

THE corpse-like odour that emanates from kebab shops was last night revealed to be corpses.