WITH more economic bad news on the way, Britain is this week bracing itself for a fresh wave of bullshit newspaper articles about the nature of capitalism.
CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night warned UK banks could collapse after a series of daring raids by hordes of 'little people'.
ALL your hopes and dreams were shattered by bastard Americans last night, just as you suspected they always would be.
FINANCIAL institutions across the globe last night urged the US to agree a bail-out package, warning they are down to their last four pairs of useable underpants.
THE $700 billion rescue of Wall Street has been held up after intense lobbying by America's vast and powerful soup manufacturers.
BORIS Johnson's plan to build an artificial island in the Thames and then put an airport on it has been backed by the majority of Britain's 12 year-old boys.
INVESTING your money with a greedy maniac who would throttle a nun for 50p, still offers the best prospect of a healthy, long-term return, experts said last night.
HBOS and Lloyds TSB last night created a monstrous new banking entity safe in the knowledge that nothing can possibly go wrong.
SHARES in you plunged 82 per cent yesterday leaving you vulnerable to a takeover from some dirty Spanish bastard.
EXECUTIVES at Lehman Brothers could be forced to manually adjust the seating temperature in their Mercedes, it was claimed last night.
THE masters of the universe were last night forced to relinquish control of their infinite creation and put all their personal items in a cardboard box.
COMPUTER problems have forced the London Stock Exchange to reopen its famous shouting pits.