Business

Darling Sets Fire To Huge Pile Of Money

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night carried out his threat to pile up £100 billion of taxpayers' money and then set fire to it.

Bank Profits Plunge From Obscene To Repulsive

RECORD bad debts in the US home loan market will see bank profits fall from eye-poppingly obscene to unspeakably repulsive, City analysts warned last night.

Glass Of Piss Reaches £75 On Ebay

IT is more than two weeks old and is starting to get a bit cloudy, but after topping £75 last night it has become eBay's most expensive glass of piss.

Energy Companies All Back Same Horse In 3.50 At Lingfield

BRITAIN’S biggest energy companies last night expressed surprise after they all bet on the same horse to win yesterday’s Betfredbingo Novices Handicap Chase at Lingfield. 

Ebay Hands Blank Cheque To Annoying Pricks

MILLIONS of annoying pricks were celebrating last night after eBay gave them the go-ahead fill the online auction site with petty, ill-founded complaints.

Egg Condemns 'Prudent Scum'

INTERNET bank Egg has defended its decision to cancel thousands of credit cards, describing its unwanted customers as 'prudent and reliable scum'.

Blair Offers Hamas Three Years No Claims Bonus Protection

TONY Blair last night predicted a new era in the Middle East after offering Hamas three years protection on their no claims bonus.

Socgen Offers 0% On Balance Transfers Up To €50 Billion

SÓCÍÉTÉ Générálé is launching a new card offering six months interest-free credit on balance transfers of up to €50 billion. 

French Trader Was Forced To Work 30 Hours A Week

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

Global Economy Now Run By F*cknuts

THE US Federal Reserve is to give everyone in America a spaniel in a bid to prevent recession in the world’s biggest economy. 

Idiot Stockbrokers Continue To Ruin Your Life

STOCKBROKERS are preparing for a third day of running around and waving their hands in the air, shouting 'nooooooooooooooooooo!!!'.

Northern Rock Now Just Two Words

NORTHERN Rock has now been reduced to its two constituent words, its directors have told angry shareholders.