Business

Global Economy Now Run By F*cknuts

THE US Federal Reserve is to give everyone in America a spaniel in a bid to prevent recession in the world’s biggest economy. 

Idiot Stockbrokers Continue To Ruin Your Life

STOCKBROKERS are preparing for a third day of running around and waving their hands in the air, shouting 'nooooooooooooooooooo!!!'.

Northern Rock Now Just Two Words

NORTHERN Rock has now been reduced to its two constituent words, its directors have told angry shareholders. 

Firms Not Allowed To Ask Why Your CV Is Filled With Lies

POTENTIAL employers are to be barred from asking interviewees why their CVs are filled with rubbish from beginning to end.

Banks To Replace Charges With Fees

BANKS are to replace charges with fees in a major shake-up of ripping people off.

India Unveils World's Shittest Car

TATA, the Indian car giant, yesterday unveiled what it claims is the world's shittest mode of transport.

Jesus Congratulates Blair On New Job

JESUS has congratulated his friend Tony Blair after the former prime minister was appointed to a £500,000 a year post with a US investment bank.

M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables

MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.

Unemployed To Pick Cotton, Say Tories

THE long-term unemployed will be taken from their homes and forced to pick cotton all day, under new proposals from the Conservatives.

2008 To Be A 'Litany Of Unremitting Shitness', Say Experts

THIS year will start shit and then get shitter until it gets so shit that eating a shit sandwich will seem like a blessed relief, a leading expert said last night.

Britain Gets Up At 4am To Buy Record Amount Of Crap

MILLIONS of people got up in the middle of the night to buy vast amounts of shit they did not need yesterday, after stores told them it was now a bit cheaper.

Men Buying Saucy Undies For Own Use, Says Report

NINE out of ten men buying women’s underwear this festive season are planning to wear it themselves on Christmas Day, new research shows.