Business

Ikea customers realise it's all shit

HOME furnishing giant Ikea is to cut jobs amid increased consumer recognition of the shitness of its products.

Murdoch Offers £2.5 Million For Royal Baby

MEDIA tycoon Rupert Murdoch has tabled an opening bid of £2.5 million for the next royal baby.

Wonka Factory 'Full Of Rats'

WILLY WONKA has been fined £75,000 after rats were discovered inside his magical chocolate factory.

Internet To Shut For Half-Day On Wednesdays

THE internet is to start closing for a half day on Wednesday afternoons to give it time to sit down and have a nice cup of tea, it announced yesterday. 

'Flash! Flash! I Love You! But We've Only Got 14 Hours To Save Dobbies From Tom Hunter!'

DOBBIES the garden centre was in mortal danger last night after the launch of a hostile takeover by Emperor Tom Hunter of the Planet Mongo.

BAE In 'Arms For Cash' Scandal

BAE Systems' ethical reputation i under fresh scrutiny after a Daily Mash investigation revealed the company is deeply involved in the international arms trade. 

Tesco Announces Plans For A Store In Every Home

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to invest £300 billion in a major expansion plan which will see it build a mini-store attached to every home in Britain within the next five years.

First-Time Buyers 'Excluded From Ferrari Market'

HIGH Ferrari prices are making it harder for young professionals to get their foot on the Italian supercar ladder, according to a new study.