WORRIED homeowners were cheered last night as economists revealed that next year's house price collapse will lead to widespread starvation and prostitution among Britain's estate agents.
THE Bank of England is advising Britain to fill up on bread and make tea with their own urine after new warnings of an economic slump.
AIRLINES have been accused of misleading the public after claiming short-haul flights would not be full to the brim with fat, slow, noisy bastards.
THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.
SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.
THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.
KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has revealed that he hates to travel because he misses the daily beheadings in the courtyard of his solid gold palace.
THE global surge in the price of oil has been blamed on pixies, sprites and their gang of magical woodland friends.
FASHION chain Gap has rejected an entire shipload of chinos produced by children in India saying the quality of the workmanship was “atrocious”.
THE International Monetary Fund last night issued its starkest warning yet that British dinner parties were vastly overvalued and on the brink of a devastating collapse.
THE cost of the traditional British pub lunch has soared to £20 even though the basic ingredients of cow pats and chef sweat have remained the same, a major industry survey has revealed.
VICARS should remove their dog collars before attempting to rub themselves against choirboys, according to new guidelines.