Business

M&S On The Brink As Public Decide To Peel Their Own Vegetables

MARKS & Spencer last night warned that civilisation was at an end after its profits slumped following poor Christmas sales of hand peeled free range sprouts at £9.99 a pair.

Unemployed To Pick Cotton, Say Tories

THE long-term unemployed will be taken from their homes and forced to pick cotton all day, under new proposals from the Conservatives.

2008 To Be A 'Litany Of Unremitting Shitness', Say Experts

THIS year will start shit and then get shitter until it gets so shit that eating a shit sandwich will seem like a blessed relief, a leading expert said last night.

Britain Gets Up At 4am To Buy Record Amount Of Crap

MILLIONS of people got up in the middle of the night to buy vast amounts of shit they did not need yesterday, after stores told them it was now a bit cheaper.

Men Buying Saucy Undies For Own Use, Says Report

NINE out of ten men buying women’s underwear this festive season are planning to wear it themselves on Christmas Day, new research shows. 

Saudi king to pardon female hit and run victims

KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia was praised by the international community last night after pledging to release more than 20% of his country's female hit and run victims.

Childhood Should Begin At Birth, Says Minister

THE government has unveiled its 10 year vision for Britain's children with a pledge that childhood will now begin at birth.

82% Wish They Were Pretending To Be Dead

THE number of people in Britain who wish they were pretending to be dead has risen for the fifth month in a row.

Microsoft Replaces Vista 'Kill-Switch' With Army Of Mercenaries

SOFTWARE giant Microsoft is to replace its built-in, anti-piracy systems with a vast army of ruthless mercenaries.

Product Red Raises Millions For Apple, Motorola And Hallmark

PRODUCT Red, the brand founded by U2 frontman Bono, has raised $50 million to help fight Porsche shortages among executives at Apple, Armani, Motorola, Gap and Hallmark. 

Estate Agents Will Starve To Death After House Price Crash, Says Upbeat Report

WORRIED homeowners were cheered last night as economists revealed that next year's house price collapse will lead to widespread starvation and prostitution among Britain's estate agents.

Britain Advised To Fill Up On Bread

THE Bank of England is advising Britain to fill up on bread and make tea with their own urine after new warnings of an economic slump.