Pub Lunches Cost £20 But Still Taste Of Dung And Sweat, Says Report

THE cost of the traditional British pub lunch has soared to £20 even though the basic ingredients of cow pats and chef sweat have remained the same, a major industry survey has revealed.

Remove Dog Collar Before Rubbing Choirboys, Church Tells Vicars

VICARS should remove their dog collars before attempting to rub themselves against choirboys, according to new guidelines.

Die At Your Desks, Demands CBI

PEOPLE should be happy to die at their desks rather than take time off to see the doctor during office hours, the Confederation of British Industry said last night. 

Northern Rock Hands Out Staff To Customers

NORTHERN Rock customers were queuing around the block today after the stricken bank said they could take home a receptionist if they left their money in their accounts.

Christians Prepare For Rapture As House Prices Dip

TUMBLING house prices and the bail out of the Northern Rock will lead to the resurrection of the dead, Armageddon and the beginning of the End Times, leading Christians confirmed today.

Facebook Distracting Workers From Underpaid, Soul-Destroying Tedium, Says CBI

SOCIAL networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace are distracting office workers from the hellish, brain-curdling reality that is their shabby, predictable and ultimately meaningless lives, according to a new report from the Confederation of British Industry.

High School Musical Stars To Have Nipples Removed

THE teenage stars of the High School Musical phenomenon are to have their nipples removed with lasers, Disney announced last night.

Al Qaeda To Rebrand As 'Scimitar3000'

THE world's leading terror provider is to overhaul its identity in a £20m rebranding strategy.

Pit Bulls Smuggled Into UK Dressed As Ugly Babies

ILLEGAL American pit bull terriers are being smuggled into Britain disguised as incredibly ugly children, according to customs officials.

Easyjet In League With Beelzebub, Claims Pope

CATHOLICS who fly with Easyjet will be excommunicated and face eternity in the fires of damnation, Pope Benedict XVI has warned.

Market tumble sparks debt rise share plunge sell-off fears

SHARES in London closed down a million yesterday as squeezing credits in the sub-debt crunch market oozed in an oily mess on the floor.

World Share Prices To Go Up And Down

WORLD stock markets will move up and down a lot this week triggering a new ice age and a plague of painful boils on the arse of every homeowner.