Banks To Lend You Your Own Money

THE government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest.

Market Suffers Biggest Ever Blah, Blah, Blah

WITH monotonous predictability the world's stockmarkets yesterday did yet another record breaking thing, apparently.

Britain Braced For More Bullshit Articles About Capitalism

WITH more economic bad news on the way, Britain is this week bracing itself for a fresh wave of bullshit newspaper articles about the nature of capitalism.

Leprechauns Are Stealing Our Gold, Claims Darling

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling last night warned UK banks could collapse after a series of daring raids by hordes of 'little people'.

Bastard Americans Ruin Your Life

ALL your hopes and dreams were shattered by bastard Americans last night, just as you suspected they always would be.

Stockmarkets Running Out Of Underpants

FINANCIAL institutions across the globe last night urged the US to agree a bail-out package, warning they are down to their last four pairs of useable underpants.

Bank Bail-Out Thwarted By Powerful Soup Kitchen Lobby

THE $700 billion rescue of Wall Street has been held up after intense lobbying by America's vast and powerful soup manufacturers.

12 Year-Old Boys Back Johnson Airport Plan

BORIS Johnson's plan to build an artificial island in the Thames and then put an airport on it has been backed by the majority of Britain's 12 year-old boys.