CATHOLICS who fly with Easyjet will be excommunicated and face eternity in the fires of damnation, Pope Benedict XVI has warned.
SHARES in London closed down a million yesterday as squeezing credits in the sub-debt crunch market oozed in an oily mess on the floor.
WORLD stock markets will move up and down a lot this week triggering a new ice age and a plague of painful boils on the arse of every homeowner.
THE makers of the faith-based toys taking America by storm are to produce a gay action figure that children can 'stone to death' in accordance with scripture.
BRITAIN'S biggest insurance companies are pretending to be Chinese restaurants to avoid flood damage claims, the Daily Mash has learned.
TONY Blair has made his first move as Middle East envoy by offering seats in the House of Lords to some of Palestine's most radical elements.
The gap between the rich and the really incredibly rich is wider than ever, according to new research.
HOME furnishing giant Ikea is to cut jobs amid increased consumer recognition of the shitness of its products.
MEDIA tycoon Rupert Murdoch has tabled an opening bid of £2.5 million for the next royal baby.
WILLY WONKA has been fined £75,000 after rats were discovered inside his magical chocolate factory.
THE internet is to start closing for a half day on Wednesday afternoons to give it time to sit down and have a nice cup of tea, it announced yesterday.
DOBBIES the garden centre was in mortal danger last night after the launch of a hostile takeover by Emperor Tom Hunter of the Planet Mongo.