Stock Exchange Reopens Shouting Pits

COMPUTER problems have forced the London Stock Exchange to reopen its famous shouting pits.

Banks To Start Writing Stuff Down

BRITAIN'S high street banks are to start writing stuff down, it was confirmed last night.

Satan Forced To Sell Heathrow

SATAN, the Prince of Darkness, is to launch an appeal after he was ordered to sell Heathrow.

No Women Involved In Latest Pantyliner Advert

NO women were involved in the making of the latest advert for Always pantyliners, it was confirmed last night.

I’ve Talked Myself Into Talking Us Into A Recession, Admits Economist

A LEADING economist last night admitted he had talked himself into talking us all into a major global recession.

Bank Of England Told To Cheer The Fuck Up

THE Bank of England was last night told to give it a rest for a few weeks, or at least start things off with a joke.

Water Made From Gas, Say Water Companies

WATER companies last night defended their above inflation price rises insisting water was now made from very expensive gas.

CBI Finds Extra Twenty Million Poor People Behind Fridge

THE CBI last night warned that the UK economy was far worse off than it thought after it found an extra twenty million poor people behind the fridge.