Business

I'm Drunk Right Now, Say 80% Of Workers

MORE than three-quarters of all office workers are either drunk or drinking at their desks right now, according to a new report.

Supermarkets Must Be Stabbed Through The Heart Under A Full Moon, Says Regulator

BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.

Consumers To Link Oil Company Profits And Petrol Prices Any Day Now

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.

Banks Fucked

BANKS in the UK were fucked yesterday, after a landmark court ruling.

New Uniform Will Turn My Life Around, Says Tearful Mcdonald's Worker

A NEW designer uniform is going to generate the most amazing improvement in overall quality of life, grateful McDonald's workers said last night. 

Carla Bruni To Be The New Face Of Ginsters

CARLA Bruni, the incredibly hot wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, is to be the new face of Ginsters savoury treats.

Four Out Of 10 Staff May Do Some Work This Year

FOUR out of 10 office staff are thinking about doing a bit of work at some point this year, a new study reveals. 

Darling Tells Idiots To Help Themselves

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has this morning opened the vaults at the Bank of England and urged Britain's idiots to help themselves.