Business

I've leased this Snickers back to myself via an offshore holding company, says man caught shoplifting

A MAN leaving a shop without paying for a Snickers has explained that, thanks to a network of complex offshore arrangements, it is perfectly legal.

Interest rates up 3.5 per cent, says your mortgage provider

INTEREST rates have gone up 0.25 per cent according to the Bank of England and 3.5 per cent according to your mortgage provider.

Ice cream van driving round like it's the middle of f**king summer

AN ICE cream van is still driving round like it’s not nearly the end of f**king October.

Parents reminded that Halloween the only thing stopping Christmas

PARENTS resentful about Halloween have been reminded it is the only thing standing between them and full-on Christmas.

UK economy now 92 per cent paintball

BRITAIN’S economy is almost entirely based on paintball, according to new figures.

Cash machine expects pat on the back for not charging you

A CITY centre cash machine is expecting gratitude and thanks for not charging users £1.50 a time to take out their own money.

Londoner bewildered by laptop-free cafe

A LONDONER visiting a Costa Coffee in Stoke-on-Trent cannot understand where all the laptops have gone.

Cocaine use in restaurant trade possibly linked to idiotic food and ludicrous prices, say experts

A HIGH level of cocaine use in upmarket restaurants may explain why the dishes all sound idiotic and the prices are insane, it has been claimed.

North threatened by closure of essay mills

THE great essay mills of Northern Britain, which cover the country from Blackpool to Middlesbrough churning out dissertations, may have to close.

You can claim compensation as soon as you run our maze of death, says Ryanair

RYANAIR has promised passengers that they will receive generous compensation and replacement flights once they run its maze of death.

Biscuits violently prejudiced against Jaffa Cakes

BISCUITS have responded triumphantly to the news that packets of the hated Jaffa Cakes will now be smaller.

Left-wing Londoner pretending to be pleased about Uber ban

A GUARDIAN-reading Londoner is hailing the Uber ban as a victory for worker’s rights despite being secretly pissed off.