Business

42-year-old realises teenage babysitting gig was best job she’ll ever have

A 42-YEAR-OLD woman has realised that her cash-in-hand babysitting job 28 years ago, where she was paid for watching telly and eating crisps, was her career high.

Best laid plans of mice and men 'f**ked up by Ryanair'

THE classic Rabbie Burns poem about the ‘best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men’ has been amended to make it clear that it is Ryanair that ruins them. 

Ryanair cancellations 'act of kindness in many ways'

FLIGHT cancellations mean that thousands will be spared the ordeal of travelling with Ryanair, it has emerged.

Bus company announces plan to do its job properly

A BUS company has unveiled a radical new approach that involves buses running vaguely on time.

Successful team building weekend focuses on how much everyone hates company

A TEAM-BUILDING weekend has succeeded because it focused on workers’ shared loathing of their employer.

Woman finally switches from Topshop to M&S

A 36-YEAR-OLD woman says she feels ‘relieved and happy’ after admitting that she would rather shop in Marks & Spencer than Topshop.

Primark 'must never be said aloud'

THE first rule of Primark is never talk about Primark, the bargain clothes retailer has confirmed.

Google returns no search results for 'sexism' and 'tax'

TECH giant Google has decided that sexism and tax no longer exist, it has emerged.

Banknotes to be kept delicious

THE Bank of England has vowed that £5 and £10 notes will continue to be the animal fat-packed extra-crispy flavourful savoury treats that Britain loves.

Morrisons unveils Greedy Bastard range

A NEW food line aimed at greedy bastards is now on sale at Morrisons.

Shoppers praise 10p bags for stopping them going to Tesco

SHOPPERS have welcomed more expensive Tesco carrier bags because they have finally stopped them visiting the shite supermarket.

Talentless arse from school now hugely successful thanks to property

A COMPLETE twat from school is extremely wealthy thanks to the property market despite never having been good at anything.