BRITAIN’S economy is almost entirely based on paintball, according to new figures.
A CITY centre cash machine is expecting gratitude and thanks for not charging users £1.50 a time to take out their own money.
A LONDONER visiting a Costa Coffee in Stoke-on-Trent cannot understand where all the laptops have gone.
A HIGH level of cocaine use in upmarket restaurants may explain why the dishes all sound idiotic and the prices are insane, it has been claimed.
THE great essay mills of Northern Britain, which cover the country from Blackpool to Middlesbrough churning out dissertations, may have to close.
RYANAIR has promised passengers that they will receive generous compensation and replacement flights once they run its maze of death.
BISCUITS have responded triumphantly to the news that packets of the hated Jaffa Cakes will now be smaller.
A GUARDIAN-reading Londoner is hailing the Uber ban as a victory for worker’s rights despite being secretly pissed off.
OBSESSIVE Remain voters who have lost the ability to think about any other topic now have their own dating app.
LONDON drivers have already started to relate to their passengers the Great Saga of the Black Cabs’ Triumph over Uber which will be told for centuries to come.
We are cruising at 36,000ft and I hate these bastards even more than you do, announces Ryanair pilot
THE pilot of a Ryanair flight has announced that the plane is cruising at 36,000ft, that skies are clear all the way to Madrid, and that he hates his employer more than you ever could.
A 42-YEAR-OLD woman has realised that her cash-in-hand babysitting job 28 years ago, where she was paid for watching telly and eating crisps, was her career high.