Satan Forced To Sell Heathrow
SATAN, the Prince of Darkness, is to launch an appeal after he was ordered to sell Heathrow.
The Competition Commission ruling is a major setback to Beelzebub's plan to expand his kingdom of the damned via the world's third busiest airport.
He said last night: "I've spent £1 billion making this place at least as bad as the eternal firey torments of the underworld.
"For the last 20 years our corporate strategy has been to make this airport so comprehensively vile that you would just kill yourself because whatever awaits you in the afterlife cannot possibly be as bad as sitting in a Heathrow departure lounge for six hours.
"Our latest customer survey showed more than 90% would rather be roasted on a spit and have the flesh ripped from their bones by a horde of fire-breathing, shit-covered demons than endure another minute in one of our check-in queues.
"You only get that sort of result through continued investment, an upbeat, customer-facing corporate philosophy and above all, attention to detail.
"I got a letter from a frequent flyer last week who said he wouldn't force Hitler and the Nazis to go through security at Heathrow. That's why I get out of bed in the morning."
Satan said he could now be forced to turn his full attention to Gatwick, adding: "For those of you who think that can't get any worse – you've no fucking idea."