Stock Exchange Reopens Shouting Pits

COMPUTER problems have forced the London Stock Exchange to reopen its famous shouting pits.

'TWO FIFTEENTHS AT SEVENTY FOR SOME REASON!'

Traders across the City abandoned their desks and rushed to the old LSE building in Threadneedle Street where they immediately began shouting and waving small bits of paper at each other.

As dust sheets were removed from the ancient hexagonal trading kiosks, old City of London terms were quickly resurrected including 'twatters', 'stockjobbers' and 'barrowmonkeys'.

Charles Reeves, senior trader at Corbett and Barker, explained: "The 'twatter' stands in the middle of the 'exchanging pit'.

"He shouts first. Usually something about two twenty nines at sixteen and three elevenths. All the 'stockjobbers' then start shouting back, asking him what the hell he's on about.

"The shouting then gets louder and louder until someone buys something. The deal is then written down on a piece of paper and the 'barrowmonkey' runs off with it. Nobody knows what happens after that."

He added: "It's just like the old days. I've no idea why I'm shouting and what effect it has on anything else, but it's great to be able to shout again, just for a few hours."

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "Actually, I'd prefer if everyone took this opportunity to just stop trading altogether and leave everything at the same price for a few days. It's just that I'm a bit tired. Would that be okay?"

Meanwhile Tom Logan, head of shouting at Madeley-Finnegan said: "SEVENTEEN TWENTY AT FOURTEEN! SIX AND A NINTH! CONSOLIDATED ZINC, TWO TWELVES FOR A BADGER! AND BUY YOUR OWN CHARLIE, YOU TREMENDOUS BASTARD!"