Supermarket forced to withdraw advert featuring happy customers

A TELEVISION advert for Tesco featuring cheerful humans roaming its aisles is misleading, a watchdog has ruled.

A fetid, stinking lie

The 30-second commercial shows relaxed, attractive humans strolling around the supermarket, selecting products in a carefree and composed manner with no underlying murderous intent.

A spokesman for the Advertising Standards Authority said: “To portray any supermarket visit as anything other than unbridled misery is a foul distortion.

“The reality is angry, dishevelled humans dragging their post-work carcasses around coldly-lit aisles, torn between their hatred of the massive soulless food containment unit and each other as they clutch their trolleys with white-knuckled hands.

“The typical demographic mix is single men in work clothes buying cereal for their dinner, parents of marauding children buying them Pixar DVDs in the vain hope they’ll chill the fuck out for five minutes, and weirdos.

“A visit inevitably ends with joining the slowest-moving queue and obsessively edging the plastic toblerone-esque divider thing ever-closer to the preceding shopper’s stuff in the vain hope it’ll somehow accelerate the process and get you the fuck out the door a nanosecond more quickly.”

A Tesco spokewoman said: “Our customers are treated well and occasionally smile. Our stores are not like Lidl where everything’s on palettes like an aid shipment.

“Or Waitrose, where the self-satisfaction permeates the air with a greenish organic haze.

“Basically they are no more inhumane than most aspects of modern life.”