UK Economy Grows By Fifteen Pence

BRITAIN emerged from recession today as the economy grew by 15p.

It went straight to her hips

The Office of National Statistics confirmed the end of the longest downturn in post-war history thanks to a chubby woman in Doncaster buying a Cadbury’s Boost from a Shell garage at 11.20pm on New Year’s Eve.

But experts warned the economy could easily be tipped back into recession if the woman buys something cheaper or, in the worst case scenario, decides to stop buying chocolate bars as part of some stupid, pointless diet she read about in Grazia.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “Her bouncy chubbiness and the tell-tale chocolate deposits in the corner of her mouth should instil some confidence in nervous bond traders.

“Then again that same cuddly porkiness could lead to some form of health kick, in which case the entire country will be a plague-ridden, burnt-out shell by the start of Wimbledon.”

He added: “We would like to see some temporary fiscal loosening to ensure this lovely, chunky woman retains her healthy appetite for mid-priced snacks.”

A Treasury spokesman said that unlike the woman, the economy remained fragile, but stressed the recovery would not have been possible without the government’s scrappage allowance to encourage owners of pre-1999 Topics and Curly Wurlys to trade them in for a brand new Boost, Double Decker or Toffee Crisp.

Karen Traynor, the chubby woman, said: “I went in for 10 Silk Cut but then I saw the Boost and thought ‘may as well’.

“It were quite good.”