Up To One Million Households Using Sex To Pay Mortgage

A GROWING number of UK householders are performing sex acts on lenders in lieu of mortgage payments, according to a new survey.

'We are doing a cashback deal, but you will have to cup my balls'

Figures from the Institute for Studies show a 94% increase in homeowners engaging in sexual activity with bank and building society managers, from over the trouser masturbation to under the trouser intercourse.

Deputy director, Tom Logan, said: "As recession bites, more of us are asking lenders if there's any way we might be able to 'work something out' while stroking their inner thigh under the desk and sucking a liquorice stick in a suggestive manner.

"Offering sex in lieu of cash can be an effective way of reducing your monthly mortgage repayments, but householders should be aware that if they are not particularly attractive they will be expected to provide something dirtier than their better-looking counterparts."

Halifax has become one of the first lenders to offer formal sex-based mortgage schemes, including WankPlan Gold and the two year, no redemption Nipple Tracker.

A Halifax spokesman said: "By filling out a simple online form, customers can opt for the genital manipulation package in exchange for generous repayment discounts and free AA membership. Whoring yourself to small men in cheap suits has never been more hassle-free."

But borrower Nathan Muir, who recently signed up for Wankplan Gold, said: "They say you just have to bring them off and that you can even wear washing up gloves, but you have to read the small print.

"My branch manager said that because I was a bit chubby and had missed a credit card payment in 1998 I would have to give him something called a 'reverse Dutch steamboat'. He's a dirty man but it is fixed for three years."