‘If You Destroy Holly Or Fearne, The Other Will Die’

HOLLY Willoughby and Fearne Cotton are the twin sisters of Beelzebub and must be destroyed at all costs, experts have claimed.

Perhaps one day they will eat each other

According to Professor Ian Van Helsing, young, nubile customers of the pair’s heavily-advertised fashion website have been exhibiting strange behaviour such as dreaminess, a fear of silver and waking up on tombstones dressed only in a billowy blood-soaked nightie with no recollection of how they got there.

He added: “There is much more to these two girls than just great hair.

“For beneath the innocently vapid exterior, these seemingly kidney-brained oxygen thieves share a single black heart, throbbing with demonic bloodlust.

“Destroy one, and her twin will also wither into a pool of satanic treacle. I suggest using sharpened stakes, holy water and a Bible. Although any book containing polysyllabic words and complex sentences should also terrify them to death.”

The Professor believes Holly and Fearne were ‘turned’ over a decade ago after responding to an advert for young virgins to front a show about Peaches Geldof’s menstrual cycle. They travelled together to meet with the mysterious East European production company, housed in a vast decrepit castle whose name alone is enough to make local peasants tremble.

“Their online clothes shop lures young, nubile women with the promise of pretty tops and shoes that they can’t really afford. Soon they have accrued debts that cannot be repaid with money – only their souls.”

Nubile mother-of-two Helen Archer, a regular customer of Fearne and Holly’s site, said: “Van Helsing is a foolish old man, spreading such lies.

“Fearne and Holly are my friends. At night I leave my shutters open and they come to me in the form of two huge black rats. We have girly chats and mild sex until the small hours and then I wake up with some stylish puncture wounds.

“Celebrity Juice and their new book Best Friends’ Guide to Life are boons to humanity.

“I especially like how the words ‘Celebrity’ and ‘Juice’ sound together. I mean, the ‘c’ word alone would be enough to get me watching, but the additional word ‘juice’, although seemingly unrelated, makes it sound truly magical.”

She added: “Is that a small cut on your finger? May I suck it?”