Celebrity

Ed Sheeran's arm breaks itself

ED SHEERAN'S right arm has broken itself in a desperate attempt to save the world from his music.

James Corden apologises for his personality

CHAT show host James Corden has confirmed that he is ‘truly sorry’ about his personality.

Rees-Mogg mistakes Mark E Smith for Manchester street urchin

JACOB Rees-Mogg is to adopt Fall frontman Mark E Smith after mistaking him for a Manchester street urchin, it has emerged.

Man with lyrics to ‘How Soon Is Now’ tattooed on his arm starting to think Morrissey may be an arse 


A MAN who has Morrissey’s lyrics tattooed on his body is finally starting to realise the former Smiths frontman is an arsehole.

Rabbit thanks Hefner for making him look like some sort of sex god

A RABBIT has thanked Hugh Hefner for making people think he is a sex symbol, not just a boring herbivore.

62-year-old woman confused by crush on Noel Fielding

A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.

UK celebrates royal pregnancy with traditional media bullshit

BRITAIN is celebrating the royal pregnancy in the traditional way with nauseating tabloid headlines and inane daytime TV speculation.

Kate and William excited to announce birth control accident

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

I am never going to shag you, Queen tells Titchmarsh

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

Mark Wahlberg confirmed as god of incredibly average men

UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.

Over my dead f**king body, says Queen

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

Delighted Philip tells public to ‘f**k off out of it’ one last time

PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.