Celebrity

Holly and Phillip tired because they necked a load of gurners last night

THE hosts of This Morning have explained that they feel tired today because they stayed up all night taking pills.

Don’t even think of standing for PM, Britain warns Branson

BRITONS have warned Richard Branson that a Trump-style political campaign would result in his arse being kicked into the Atlantic.

Queen a right old cow, says Sun

THE Queen is such an old cow, the Sun has confirmed.

Men outraged at sexy woman giving away free naked pictures

MEN have expressed disgust at a sexy woman giving away nude photos of herself for nothing.

Morrissey too cheerful to be our mayor, say Londoners

MORRISSEY is too friendly and upbeat to represent London, it has been claimed.

How come you’re not skiing? asks William

THE Duke of Cambridge is wondering why so many of you are not enjoying an Alpine skiing holiday like him.

Clean Up The Queen aims to stop monarch’s filthy language

THE Clean Up The Queen campaign is enlisting the public’s help to stop Her Majesty cursing like a drunken sailor.

DiCaprio’s face frozen in self-satisfied smirk

DOCTORS are fighting to remove the smug half-smile from Leonardo DiCaprio’s face, it has emerged.

We knew about Jimmy Savile all along, admits entire UK population

EVERY man, woman and child in the UK knew that Jimmy Savile was a sexual predator for 30 years, it has emerged.

Clarkson apologises to cold food

JEREMY Clarkson has officially apologised to cold cuts and salads after saying they were not good enough for him.

Gorilla mother faces backlash following c-section birth

A BRISTOL Zoo-based gorilla mother is under fire after it was claimed she made no effort to have a natural birth.

Noam Chomsky steps aside to make way for Russell Brand

THE world’s most renowned left-wing thinker has decided to retire following Russell Brand’s latest online rant, it has been confirmed.