Celebrity

DiCaprio’s face frozen in self-satisfied smirk

DOCTORS are fighting to remove the smug half-smile from Leonardo DiCaprio’s face, it has emerged.

We knew about Jimmy Savile all along, admits entire UK population

EVERY man, woman and child in the UK knew that Jimmy Savile was a sexual predator for 30 years, it has emerged.

Clarkson apologises to cold food

JEREMY Clarkson has officially apologised to cold cuts and salads after saying they were not good enough for him.

Gorilla mother faces backlash following c-section birth

A BRISTOL Zoo-based gorilla mother is under fire after it was claimed she made no effort to have a natural birth.

Noam Chomsky steps aside to make way for Russell Brand

THE world’s most renowned left-wing thinker has decided to retire following Russell Brand’s latest online rant, it has been confirmed.

Derren Brown has hooves instead of feet

DERREN Brown has goat-like hooves because of doing black magic, it has emerged.

Duchess of Cambridge to guest edit Crafty Carper

AFTER spending yesterday guest editing the Huffington Post, Kate Middleton will today act as guest editor of Crafty Carper magazine

Kanye finds time in busy schedule of twattishness to release album

KANYE West has found a window in his schedule of twattery to release some of his music.

Public reminded that actors are full of shit

LISTENING to what actors think is stupid because they are stupid, it has been confirmed.

Celebrities you like all dying because you’re getting old, say experts

THIS year's spate of celebrity deaths is because you, and all the famous people you like, are getting old, experts have confirmed.

Veteran BBC star shockingly revealed as nice guy

COMPELLING evidence has emerged that a long-standing male BBC presenter was a nice person.

Bono pays tribute to Bowie by quitting immediately

U2 FRONTMAN Bono has paid tribute to David Bowie by promising to stop singing.