THIS year's spate of celebrity deaths is because you, and all the famous people you like, are getting old, experts have confirmed.
COMPELLING evidence has emerged that a long-standing male BBC presenter was a nice person.
U2 FRONTMAN Bono has paid tribute to David Bowie by promising to stop singing.
KEITH Richards has told Death to move along.
MODEL Jerry Hall, whose four previous husbands met unexplained deaths, is to become the sixth wife of convicted poisoner Rupert Murdoch.
AN AUDIT manager has arrived at the office with a red-and-blue Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt on his face which has yet to be mentioned by anyone.
BRITAIN has been ordered to look at this delightful photograph and thank the Royal Family for existing.
ASTRONAUT Tim Peake has confirmed that his school’s careers advisor can stick his Boots application forms up his arse.
CONFUSING urges about Carrie Fisher have returned amongst middle-aged people after a 30-year absence.
FATHER Christmas has shaved off his beard following concerns about its hipster connotations.
MARK Zuckerberg’s Facebook announcement that he will give away 99 per cent of his wealth was the result of being shitfaced, he has revealed.
TV COOK Nigella Lawson is possessed by a demon, it has emerged.