Celebrity

Bono pays tribute to Bowie by quitting immediately

U2 FRONTMAN Bono has paid tribute to David Bowie by promising to stop singing.

Keith Richards tells Death to sling his hook

KEITH Richards has told Death to move along.

Black widow Jerry Hall to marry convicted poisoner Rupert Murdoch

MODEL Jerry Hall, whose four previous husbands met unexplained deaths, is to become the sixth wife of convicted poisoner Rupert Murdoch.

48-year-old audit manager comes to work with lightning bolt make-up

AN AUDIT manager has arrived at the office with a red-and-blue Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt on his face which has yet to be mentioned by anyone.

Look at this photo and be grateful, you scum, Britain told

BRITAIN has been ordered to look at this delightful photograph and thank the Royal Family for existing.

Man says f**k you to careers advisor who claimed 'astronaut' not a real job

ASTRONAUT Tim Peake has confirmed that his school’s careers advisor can stick his Boots application forms up his arse.

Carrie Fisher feelings resurface in 40-somethings

CONFUSING urges about Carrie Fisher have returned amongst middle-aged people after a 30-year absence.

Santa shaves beard to distance himself from hipsters

FATHER Christmas has shaved off his beard following concerns about its hipster connotations.

Zuckerberg regrets going on Facebook while drunk

MARK Zuckerberg’s Facebook announcement that he will give away 99 per cent of his wealth was the result of being shitfaced, he has revealed.

Nigella exhibiting signs of demonic possession

TV COOK Nigella Lawson is possessed by a demon, it has emerged.

Thatcher's clothes to be sold off to millionaire men who will wear them

BARONESS Thatcher's iconic outfits are to be auctioned off to old, rich men who will put them on in front of full-length mirrors.

Corbyn lacks my likeability, says Amis

NOVELIST Martin Amis has claimed that Jeremy Corbyn just isn’t likeable in the way that he is.