Celebrity

Man claims vague relationship with every Team GB medallist

WAYNE Hayes has worked with, played football against, babysat and lived next-door to each and every Great British Olympic medalist, weary colleagues have revealed.

180,000 new Labour members thought they were getting Beyonce tickets

THE 180,000 new registered Labour supporters thought they were buying exclusive front-row access to a Beyonce gig.

Off you f**k, Queen told Cameron

THE Queen has assured David Cameron that he was her worst prime minister ‘by miles’.

Queen reflects that it’s a good thing she doesn’t give a shit

THE Queen has reflected that, considering all the constitutional powers she has, it is a good thing she could not care less about Britain anymore.

Thank you so much for drawing attention to me, Cameron tells Murray

DAVID Cameron has thanked Andy Murray for throwing him under a bus at Wimbledon yesterday.

George W Bush picks up mobile, sees who’s calling, puts it down

FORMER president George W Bush has picked up his iPhone, looked at the caller, returned it to his pocket and continued his round of golf.

Boris Johnson recalled to the Beano

BORIS Johnson has left the Conservative Party to return to the pages of the Beano, he has confirmed.

King Arthur returns with impractical sword-based plan

KING Arthur has returned in Britain’s hour of need with a plan mainly involving swords, he has announced.

Sonic the Hedgehog mortified as co-workers discover his past

THE moment Sonic The Hedgehog has dreaded finally came yesterday when office colleagues discovered who he used to be.

Man resigns himself to having to date Taylor Swift

A 28-YEAR-OLD British man has resigned himself to the inevitability of a relationship with Taylor Swift.

Prince Philip ever so proud

THE Duke of Edinburgh is absolutely delighted to see his grandson on the cover of a gay magazine.

Queen’s top ten songs all Lethal Bizzle

THE Queen's top ten songs are all by her favourite artist Lethal Bizzle, it has been confirmed.