Colonel Tom thrilled to be the same rank as Camilla

COLONEL Tom Moore is thrilled to hold the same military rank as the Duchess of Cornwall, he has confirmed.

I miss being Britain's biggest arsehole, says Piers Morgan

PIERS Morgan is itching to get back to being the most obnoxious prick in the UK, it has emerged.

Group of celebrities get together to shut the f**k up

A GROUP of A-list celebrities have gotten together to shut the f**k up, with all the money raised going to charity.

Six conspiracy theories to explain Eamonn Holmes's shitty f**king career

EAMONN Holmes shared dangerous 5G conspiracy theories on This Morning, but what far-fetched conspiracy explains him still being in f**king work?

Queen: 'Stay in't 'ouse, you'll be reet'

THE Queen has instructed Britain to stay indoors, sup a few cans, watch telly and keep its head down until ‘all this bollocks is over’.

Kids physically fit but talking in working-class accents

CHILDREN taking daily PE lessons with Joe Wicks are physically healthy but at least 30 per cent more common, parents have reported.

Six people it's a blessing not to have heard from in the current crisis

AS CORONAVIRUS has shown, things can always get worse. For example, if any of these six spoke up.

Queen to be put back on fixing trucks

THE QUEEN is to return to work as a truck mechanic as she did during the war, Buckingham Palace has confirmed.

Kirstie Allsopp's guide to crafting your way through coronavirus

YES, I moved my Corona-hit family to Devon, but I needed to be safe so I could annoy you with my creative and crafty tips. Here’s how to ensure your self-isolation is a jolly old time.

How to be an absolute bellend, by Tim Martin

HI, I’m big-haired idiot Tim Martin. When I’m not running crap pubs I’m being awful to my staff. Here’s how to be an absolute bellend like me.

Queen already bored of kicking around the same old 1,000-room castle

THE Queen has admitted she is already bored wandering around the same old lavish 1820s state apartments again and again.

The Arsenal midfielder's guide to self-isolation

HEY. I’m an Arsenal midfielder who must remain anonymous currently self-isolating due to the risk of having contracted coronavirus. Here’s how I’m getting through it.