ONE Direction’s core fanbase of plasterers is in emotional crisis after learning of singer Louis Tomlinson’s impending fatherhood.
BILLIONAIRE Donald Trump is fully satisfied with how his hairstyle and character have turned out.
‘VENGEFUL child ghost’ outfits like the one worn by Prince George have sold out across the country.
NOTTINGHAM post-punk duo Sleaford Mods have expressed surprise and joy at becoming godparents to Princess Charlotte.
GOOD Morning Britain presenter Susanna Reid has a doner kebab at 7am every morning, it has been confirmed.
TAYLOR Swift has been arrested by Roman soldiers after one of her 59.2 million Twitter followers betrayed her location.
ACTOR Kevin Bacon is unsure if he is seen as a cultural icon or a bit of a dick.
THE Mayor of London has been filmed pulling a pin from a grenade with his teeth, throwing it into a black cab and cycling away before it explodes.
NEW Top Gear presenter Chris Evans is trying to decide which of his sycophantic pals will join him as co-presenters.
STONEHENGE is sick of being linked with hippies and wants to rebrand itself as a destination for cool people.
THE Magna Carta is shit compared to the latest photos of Prince George, it has been agreed.
THE Queen’s new open-topped Range Rover has a machine gun on the rear at her personal request.