Celebrity

Jesus had wife who made him get a proper job

JESUS Christ’s wife Mary Magdalene forced him to get a boring admin job, it has emerged.

Brian Cox obviously an alien

PROFESSOR Brian Cox is an extra-terrestrial, it has emerged.

Russell Brand crucifixion ‘could save mankind’

ATTACHING Russell Brand to a big cross would probably sort everything out, it has been claimed.

People who hate music excited about new Cheryl single

THOUSANDS of people who find actual music too confusing are excited to purchase the new single by Cheryl Cole.

Kelly Brook leaves earthly plane

MODEL Kelly Brook has left the mortal plane to travel the higher realms looking for love.

Women who don't like sex looking for new heartthrob

WOMEN with no interest in copulation are bereft following the marriage of their dream man George Clooney.

Stephen Fry refused to share his gak with Prince Philip

ACTOR Stephen Fry has admitted refusing to share his cocaine with a furious Prince Philip.

Queen still very sexual

HER Majesty the Queen has the sexual energy of a young Michelle Pfeiffer, it has been confirmed.

Morgan Freeman to play wise old man in movie to be decided later

MORGAN Freeman has agreed to appear in a wise, solemn but twinkling role in a film yet to be conceived.

Hilary Mantel admits shooting Thatcher

NOVELIST Hilary Mantel has confessed to the murder of Margaret Thatcher.

Sinden and Paisley ‘were due to portray each other on stage’

SIR Donald Sinden and Ian Paisley had been signed up to play each other in the West End, it has emerged.

Kate to continue public engagements while vomiting

THE Duchess of Cambridge is to fufil all her public engagements while throwing up.