Five Shakespearean actors who would voice Peppa Pig while considering it beneath them

PEPPA Pig’s voice actor has been replaced by an unknown, to the outrage of the great British stage actors who auditioned and failed. Here they are.

Why I am one tough cookie no New York cop could crack, by Prince Andrew

IT IS true that I have declined all opportunity to be interviewed by New York’s Finest. Because this Prince is one perp no NYPD Blue can break.

Laurence Fox's guide to being an instant right-wing celebrity twat

INTERESTED in trading C-list status for being an instant right-wing hero and truth-teller? I’ve done it, and so can you by following these tips:

'Why I will not be satisfied until Harry and Meghan's security has been cancelled and they are kidnapped by Isis'

HARRY and Meghan’s withdrawal from the Royal family has hurt me, a member of the media, personally. And I will not rest until they have no security and have been kidnapped by Isis. 

Idiot believes life will be hard for Harry now

AN idiot has convinced himself that life will be difficult for the Duke of Sussex from this point on. 

What sort of idiot who's obsessed with Harry and Meghan are you?

ARE you determined to waste your life following the problems of two very rich people you don’t know? You might be one of the following idiots.

How to be more like the best dad in the world, Thomas Markle

HOWEVER hard you’ve tried as a father you’re still nowhere near as great as Thomas Markle, the official world’s greatest dad. Here’s how to be like him.

Six alternatives to a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina-scented candle

DESPERATE for your house to smell like Hollywood pussy but can’t afford £58 for Gwyneth Paltrow’s signature product?

Queen abandons lifelong dream of complete control of romantic and professional lives of her whole family

THE Queen is reportedly ‘in pieces’ after being forced to abandon her dream of everyone in her family doing exactly as they are told forever.

'Come on, we're not Andrew': a timeline of Harry and Meghan's Sandringham summit

YESTERDAY’S Royal face-off was as emotionally charged as Christmas Day at the Queen Vic. Here’s how it went down.

'Is she evil?' Queen asks Harry

THE Queen has told Prince Harry that if his wife is a demon who tricked him into marriage to enslave him then everyone would understand. 

Harry leaves rambling, drunken apology on Queen's answerphone

THE Duke of Sussex has left an embarrassing drunken apology on the Queen’s answerphone, the palace has confirmed.