Celebrity

It's my wedding today too, and I'll spend the entire day pretending I'm not f**ked off

Thanks to the spontaneous decision of some tuppenny ha’penny TV actress and a wastrel who happens to be sixth in line to the throne, I will spend the best day of my life hiding the fact that I’m incredibly pissed off.

Meghan to embrace British culture by carrying large inflatable cock on hen night

MEGHAN Markle will show her commitment to Britain by carrying around an inflatable penis on her hen night.  

My family not nearly as f**ked up as theirs, says Meghan Markle

MEGHAN Markle has responded to media focus on her relatives by pointing out that the Windsors are way more messed up.

Rees-Mogg to be stuffed

JACOB Rees-Mogg has outlived whatever purpose he once served and will be stuffed and kept in a glass case, it has been announced.

I'm your father now, Trump tells Meghan

DONALD Trump has selflessly stepped in to replace Meghan Markle's father at her wedding this weekend. 

Look at this photo and be grateful, you scum, Britain told

BRITAIN has been ordered to look at this delightful photograph and thank the Royal Family for existing.

Man would tell everyone how bored of royal wedding he is if only they'd bring it up

A MAN is ready and waiting to share his supreme boredom at the forthcoming royal wedding as soon as it comes up.

Kanye claims Boosts are best chocolate bar

RAPPER and dickhead Kanye West has claimed Cadbury’s Boost is the best chocolate bar of all time.

Kate already back on the ale

THE Duchess of Cambridge has wasted no time in getting a drink down her neck after nine months of being sober.

Everyone kind of hoping Attenborough and the Queen get together

EVERYONE in Britain would be happy if David Attenborough and the Queen eventually became a couple, it has been confirmed.

Queen paid less than Prince Philip

THE Queen earns 40 per cent less than Prince Philip despite being the British monarchy’s major draw, it has emerged. 

Universe actually pretty interesting

STEPHEN Hawking’s life has reminded everyone that the universe is actually pretty interesting.