Celebrity

Man with lyrics to ‘How Soon Is Now’ tattooed on his arm starting to think Morrissey may be an arse 


A MAN who has Morrissey’s lyrics tattooed on his body is finally starting to realise the former Smiths frontman is an arsehole.

Rabbit thanks Hefner for making him look like some sort of sex god

A RABBIT has thanked Hugh Hefner for making people think he is a sex symbol, not just a boring herbivore.

62-year-old woman confused by crush on Noel Fielding

A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.

UK celebrates royal pregnancy with traditional media bullshit

BRITAIN is celebrating the royal pregnancy in the traditional way with nauseating tabloid headlines and inane daytime TV speculation.

Kate and William excited to announce birth control accident

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

I am never going to shag you, Queen tells Titchmarsh

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

Mark Wahlberg confirmed as god of incredibly average men

UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.

Over my dead f**king body, says Queen

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

Delighted Philip tells public to ‘f**k off out of it’ one last time

PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.

Prince George intends to become king 'as quickly as possible'

PRINCE George has declared his intention to become king as soon as possible and by any means necessary.

OJ Simpson to run for president

OJ SIMPSON, released from prison yesterday, has announced his intention to run for President of the United States.

Queen poleaxes disgraceful Canadian with elbow to the chin

THE Queen has responded to a breach of etiquette by Canada’s Governor General by smashing her elbow into his chin.