How to be more like the best dad in the world, Thomas Markle

HOWEVER hard you’ve tried as a father you’re still nowhere near as great as Thomas Markle, the official world’s greatest dad. Here’s how to be like him.

Six alternatives to a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina-scented candle

DESPERATE for your house to smell like Hollywood pussy but can’t afford £58 for Gwyneth Paltrow’s signature product?

Queen abandons lifelong dream of complete control of romantic and professional lives of her whole family

THE Queen is reportedly ‘in pieces’ after being forced to abandon her dream of everyone in her family doing exactly as they are told forever.

'Come on, we're not Andrew': a timeline of Harry and Meghan's Sandringham summit

YESTERDAY’S Royal face-off was as emotionally charged as Christmas Day at the Queen Vic. Here’s how it went down.

'Is she evil?' Queen asks Harry

THE Queen has told Prince Harry that if his wife is a demon who tricked him into marriage to enslave him then everyone would understand. 

Harry leaves rambling, drunken apology on Queen's answerphone

THE Duke of Sussex has left an embarrassing drunken apology on the Queen’s answerphone, the palace has confirmed.

Straight-to-streaming erotic thrillers, and six other future roles for Harry and Meghan

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are now free to go their own way, but what will they do with the rest of their lives? Here’s a few options:

Your country sucks, by Meghan Markle

IN simple terms, the reason Harry and I are stepping down from Royal duties and moving to Canada is this: Britain sucks.

Bring back Nazi Harry, say Mail readers

DAILY Mail readers have agreed that Prince Harry was much better when he was dressed as a Nazi.

It's not a real f**king job anyway, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has explained that it does not matter that he is stepping back as a senior Royal because it is not a real f**king job in any sense.

Danny Dyer to join Marvel cinematic universe as himself

DANNY Dyer is to join the Marvel cinematic universe as new Marvel hero Danny Dyer, he has confirmed.

Kate Middleton on Mary Berry show after Tory win sees middle England orgasm itself into catatonia

THE Duchess of Cambridge on A Berry Royal Christmas days after a landslide Tory win made middle England come so hard it has fried its brains.