Kaplinsky Rubs It In

MILLIONAIRE TV presenter Natasha Kaplinsky last night released photos of the perfect baby boy she has had with her millionaire husband.

Lohan Urged To Find Sexier Girlfriend

LINDSAY Lohan needs to find herself a much hotter girlfriend - and quickly, men said last night.

Cycle Of Britney Begins Again

POP sensation Britney Spears will soon begin a fresh descent into chaos and substance abuse as experts confirmed her celebrity cycle had completed its first full revolution.

Helen Mirren Vomits On Coffee Table

DAME Helen Mirren last night threw up all over a coffee table and then urged everyone to have a good look at it.

David Duchovny Has His Cake And Shags It

X-FILES star David Duchovny last night became the latest Hollywood star to have sex with countless women and then claim he was not right in the head.

Duchovny has checked himself into a rehabilitation clinic which specialises in the treatment of men who like to hump anything that moves but do not want to have arguments with their wives.

New Series Of Strictly Come Dancing To Be Filmed At Bottom Of Barrel

THE new series of Strictly Come Dancing is to be recorded at the bottom of a large barrel, the BBC confirmed last night.

Paxman To Black-Up In Bid For Pay Rise

JEREMY Paxman is to present Newsnight dressed as a black man as he seeks an above inflation pay rise from the BBC.

Celebrate The Weekend With Fresh Basil And Pine Nuts, Says Oliver

MILLIONAIRE chef Jamie Oliver has attacked Britain's drinking culture and urged people to forget their troubles by sniffing some really fresh basil.

I'll Feed Anything That Moves, Says Garraway

TV presenter Kate Garraway last night pledged to pump her milk into anything that can suck it.

Katona Forced To Go To Iceland

KERRY Katona will be doing all her shopping at Iceland from now on, the bankrupt star revealed last night. 

British Children Too Ugly, Says Glitter

GLAM rock paedophile Gary Glitter has refused to return to the United Kingdom, insisting British children are far too fat and ugly.

New Photo-Shoot Reveals Gaping, Soulless Void At Centre Of Katie Price

A SPECTACULAR new photo shoot by glamour model Katie Price has revealed the echoing chasm at the centre of her being.