Celebrity

Countdown In Crisis: Vorderman 90% Less Attractive, Says Channel 4

HUMAN calculator Carol Vorderman was asked to take a pay cut in direct proportion to her loss of attractiveness, it was claimed last night.

Millionaire Actors Told To Cheer The F*ck Up

YOUNG multi-millionaire actors were last night urged to stop being so angst-ridden and just cheer the fuck up.

85% Of Men Have No Idea How To React To Helen Mirren In A Bikini

THE majority of British men were in a state of extreme confusion last night after seeing photos of 63 year-old Helen Mirren in a bikini.

Ronnie Wood Finally Slows Down

ROLLING Stone Ronnie Wood has ditched his punishing regime of endless cocaine binges for the more sedate lifestyle of month-long drinking sessions with Russian barmaids.

Mckellen Threatened By Orcs

POLICE investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs. 

Bodyguards Positioned Outside Jolie's Vagina

ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.

It's Actually A Book Club, Insists Mosley

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley yesterday rejected claims he had taken part in a Nazi-themed orgy, insisting the event was nothing more than a suburban book club.

William Seizes Cocaine Bound For Fulham Road

PRINCE William is facing a ban from some of his favourite Fulham Road nightclubs after his Royal Navy ship seized £40m worth of cocaine.

Madonna’s Former Home Destroyed By Jesus

POP star Madonna’s childhood home in Detroit has been burned to the ground in an apparent revenge attack by Jesus. 

Stars Gather To Show How Worthless They Are Compared To Nelson Mandela

SOME of the biggest names in showbiz have come together in London to prove how shabby and pointless they are compared to Nelson Mandela.

Celine Dion Voted 'Worst Ever Person'

CANADIAN songstress Celine Dion is the world's worst person ever, according to a new opinion poll.

Singleton Dares To Challenge Urban Myth

FORMER Blue Peter presenter Valerie Singleton was under attack last night after insisting she was not a raving lesbian.