Celebrity

Tom Cruise Now Terrifyingly Insane

TOM Cruise was celebrating last night as he overtook John Travolta to become Hollywood's most dangerously unhinged psychopath.

Queen Showed Me Her Swastika Tattoo, Claims Burrell

THE Queen carries a Swastika tattoo on her wrist and believes Zionists control the Post Office, Princess Diana's butler revealed yesterday.

Nicole Richie's Baby Heavier Than Her

SIMPLE Life superstar Nicole Richie has given birth to a baby girl almost four pounds heavier then she is.

Queen's Broadcast A Self-Indulgent Mess, Say Critics

THIS year's Christmas message from the Queen has failed to impress the critics with most dismissing it as self-indulgent and boastful.

Ulrika Jonsson To Learn Italian

FORMER TV weather girl Ulrika Jonsson is to begin a crash-course in conversational Italian, she announced last night.

Philip Letters Warned Diana About The Chinese

PRINCE Philip sent a series of crude death threats to Princess Diana which often included thinly veiled attacks on the Chinese, an inquest heard yesterday.

Big Fat Indian Woman Refuses To Hug Jonathan Ross

AMMA, the big fat indian woman who has hugged more than 26 million people, has warned Jonathan Ross not to come within 100 metres of her comforting bosom.

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Teddy Row Teacher Calls Dirt-Box 'Jesus'

TEDDY row teacher Gillian Gibbons is a serial blasphemer who refers to her back-passage as 'Jesus', the Daily Mash can reveal. 

Queen And Prince Philip Celebrate 60 Years Of Racial Epithets

THE Queen has paid tribute to her husband as one of Britain's most accomplished post-war racists.

Life Under Mugabe Better Than Life Under Harry, Says Chelsy

FORMER Royal girlfriend Chelsy Davy is to return to Zimbabwe rather than spend another minute underneath Prince Harry, friends said last night.

'Replace My Photo With Bag Of Prawn Cocktail Crisps' Demands Prince

PRINCE, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, broke into uncharted mental territory yesterday after instructing his fan websites to remove his photograph.