Celebrity

Lisa Marie Presley Expecting Big, Fat Baby

SINGER'S daughter Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant with an incredibly fat baby, she revealed last night. 

Paisley Quits To Spend More Time Heckling The Pope

IAN Paisley is to resign as Northern Ireland's first minister so he can devote more time to shouting abuse at the Pope.

Diana Jury Asks Coroner: Why Are We Here?

THE jury in the Diana inquest yesterday asked the coroner to remind them why they are there.

'I'm Just Like Any Other Millionaire Soldier Who Can Come Home Whenever He Wants'

ROYAL hero Prince Harry has spoken of his relief at being treated like an ordinary soldier who can come home whenever he feels like it.

Millionaires Give Each Other Awards For Dressing Up

IT is the biggest, most glamorous night of the year. It is the night when millionaires give each other awards for dressing up and pretending to be someone else.

Number Of BBC Presenters In Jail Reaches Five Year High

THE number of BBC presenters in prison has reached a five-year high after Radio 1 DJ Groovewhittler was jailed for a second offence of dog frottage. 

'Ich Bin Nicht Ein Nazi' Says Philip

PRINCE Philip has denied claims he is a Nazi, insisting his passionate racism is merely a hobby.

Fat Nigel From Eastenders Leads Eurovision Charge

EX-EASTENDERS character Nigel Bates is among the early favourites to represent the UK in this year's Eurovision Song Contest. 

Diana Was Spiderman, Claims Al Fayed

PRINCESS Diana led a secret life as a super-hero who was able to scale buildings and shoot a web-like material from her wrist, Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed claimed today.

Kaplinsky To Simulate Fellatio On Five News

NATASHA Kaplinsky will start each bulletin by staring straight into the camera and slowly sucking on her pencil as the new £1 million-a-year face of Five News. 

Davos Celebrates Another Year Of Frantic Masturbation

THE small Swiss town of Davos was last night celebrating another successful year of A-grade horseshit and frenzied wanking.

William Enjoys Another Spiffing Day Out

HIS Royal Highness Prince William was in fine spirits last night after another absolutely spiffing day out.