Meghan Markle's totally accessible guide to International Women's Day

BEFORE I leave Britain in the ultimate feminist act of telling my husband what to do, let’s celebrate International Women’s Day by being independent princesses.

The six things Harry and Meghan have returned to the UK to nick

HARRY and Meghan are back in the UK to smile, wave and nick all the things they forgot first time around. But what are they? 

Royals the fags are more royal than you, Queen tells Harry

THE Queen has informed the Duke of Sussex that Royals the king-sized cigarettes are more royal than he and his tart will ever be.

'Sex Royal': Six alternative brands for Harry and Meghan

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex have been barred from using their Sussex Royal trademark by the Queen. What brands could they use instead?

Five Shakespearean actors who would voice Peppa Pig while considering it beneath them

PEPPA Pig’s voice actor has been replaced by an unknown, to the outrage of the great British stage actors who auditioned and failed. Here they are.

Why I am one tough cookie no New York cop could crack, by Prince Andrew

IT IS true that I have declined all opportunity to be interviewed by New York’s Finest. Because this Prince is one perp no NYPD Blue can break.

Laurence Fox's guide to being an instant right-wing celebrity twat

INTERESTED in trading C-list status for being an instant right-wing hero and truth-teller? I’ve done it, and so can you by following these tips:

'Why I will not be satisfied until Harry and Meghan's security has been cancelled and they are kidnapped by Isis'

HARRY and Meghan’s withdrawal from the Royal family has hurt me, a member of the media, personally. And I will not rest until they have no security and have been kidnapped by Isis. 

Idiot believes life will be hard for Harry now

AN idiot has convinced himself that life will be difficult for the Duke of Sussex from this point on. 

What sort of idiot who's obsessed with Harry and Meghan are you?

ARE you determined to waste your life following the problems of two very rich people you don’t know? You might be one of the following idiots.

How to be more like the best dad in the world, Thomas Markle

HOWEVER hard you’ve tried as a father you’re still nowhere near as great as Thomas Markle, the official world’s greatest dad. Here’s how to be like him.

Six alternatives to a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina-scented candle

DESPERATE for your house to smell like Hollywood pussy but can’t afford £58 for Gwyneth Paltrow’s signature product?