Celebrity
Don't get excited, I've seen it, it's shit, says Kate
THE Duchess of Cambridge has warned Britain not to bother waiting for photos of her new nephew because he is ‘bang average’.
Everything you 'need' to know about Baby Sussex
ARE you desperate to know every last detail about someone else’s baby? Read our slightly creepy guide.
Duchess of Sussex announces she's had a cushion up her top for six months
THE Duchess of Sussex has surprised the media by calling a press conference then whipping a cushion out from under her jumper.
How to be the sort of twat with your own 'personal brand'
DO you want a ‘personal brand’ like the Kardashians or various twats on YouTube? Here’s how to engage in endless tedious self-promotion instead of doing something worthwhile.
Social media more addictive than drugs and not as good, says Harry
PRINCE Harry has warned young people that social media is more addictive than illegal drugs without anything close to the same payoff.
Government to nationalise fashion chain Kate likes
TROUBLED fashion chain LK Bennett is to be saved by being taken into public ownership because the Duchess of Cambridge likes it.
Piers Morgan's guide to being the biggest twat in the universe
WOULD you like to be paid a fortune just for being an appalling twat all the time? Here Piers Morgan gives his priceless advice.
Stop this display of ostentatious wealth, says Queen in massive palace, with her crown
THE Queen is believed to be outraged at Meghan’s £300,000 baby shower, from beneath her jewelled crown in one of her many palaces.
Pregnant Meghan enjoys ill-timed night out with ISIS bride
THE Duchess of Sussex is under fire after enjoying a night out with Serena Williams, Jessica Mulroney, and ISIS bride Shamima Begum.
Dad still unclear on David Bowie's sexuality
A RETIRED father has confirmed that he is still not entirely clear on whether David Bowie liked girls or not.
The actor's guide to not totally bollocksing up your career
ARE you a top Hollywood actor who has a baffling urge to do incredibly stupid things? Here’s how to stay likeable and employed.
Prince Philip 'has no idea Meghan is mixed-race'
PRINCE Philip is making the royal family incredibly tense due to still not realising his granddaughter-in-law is a person of colour.