Celebrity

Kate and William excited to announce birth control accident

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

I am never going to shag you, Queen tells Titchmarsh

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

Mark Wahlberg confirmed as god of incredibly average men

UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.

Over my dead f**king body, says Queen

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.

Delighted Philip tells public to ‘f**k off out of it’ one last time

PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.

Prince George intends to become king 'as quickly as possible'

PRINCE George has declared his intention to become king as soon as possible and by any means necessary.

OJ Simpson to run for president

OJ SIMPSON, released from prison yesterday, has announced his intention to run for President of the United States.

Queen poleaxes disgraceful Canadian with elbow to the chin

THE Queen has responded to a breach of etiquette by Canada’s Governor General by smashing her elbow into his chin.

If I see a washing machine in a kitchen I vomit all over the floor, says Kirstie Allsopp

KIRSTIE Allsopp has admitted that if she sees a washing machine in a kitchen she vomits all over the floor and will not apologise.

I love money, confirms Queen

THE best thing about being monarch is the huge amount of money you get, the Queen has confirmed.

Wealthy foreigner offer £500,000 to be insulted by Prince Philip

OVERSEAS tycoons are prepared to pay up to half a million pounds to be racially mocked by the Duke of Edinburgh, it has emerged.

Royal family’s benefits withdrawn

THE Royal family has had its benefits sanctioned after Prince Harry admitted none of them wants the top job.