Celebrity
Look at this photo and be grateful, you scum, Britain told
BRITAIN has been ordered to look at this delightful photograph and thank the Royal Family for existing.
Man would tell everyone how bored of royal wedding he is if only they'd bring it up
A MAN is ready and waiting to share his supreme boredom at the forthcoming royal wedding as soon as it comes up.
Kanye claims Boosts are best chocolate bar
RAPPER and dickhead Kanye West has claimed Cadbury’s Boost is the best chocolate bar of all time.
Kate already back on the ale
THE Duchess of Cambridge has wasted no time in getting a drink down her neck after nine months of being sober.
Everyone kind of hoping Attenborough and the Queen get together
EVERYONE in Britain would be happy if David Attenborough and the Queen eventually became a couple, it has been confirmed.
Queen paid less than Prince Philip
THE Queen earns 40 per cent less than Prince Philip despite being the British monarchy’s major draw, it has emerged.
Universe actually pretty interesting
STEPHEN Hawking’s life has reminded everyone that the universe is actually pretty interesting.
Meghan Markle baptised in blood of 400,000 lizards
THE blood of more than 400,000 lizards has cascaded over Meghan Markle on the altar of an underground church to make her Royal forever.
Harry and Meghan to follow wedding ceremony with massive Waitrose shop
PRINCE Harry and Meghan Markle are to follow their May 19th wedding with a big shop at the Windsor branch of Waitrose.
Kate or Meghan: who is best at greeting people standing behind ropes?
CAN an American actress ever match the Duchess of Cambridge’s world-leading skill at speaking briefly to members of the public standing behind a barrier?
Fergie sprog to marry some spiv
ONE of Fergie’s kids, the one with the slightly vacant expression, is to marry a spiv, apparently.
The Mash guide to Prince Harry's stag night
6AM: Meet in car park of Morrison’s, Cromwell Road to catch minibus. Sambuca shots.