JACOB Rees-Mogg is to adopt Fall frontman Mark E Smith after mistaking him for a Manchester street urchin, it has emerged.
A MAN who has Morrissey’s lyrics tattooed on his body is finally starting to realise the former Smiths frontman is an arsehole.
A RABBIT has thanked Hugh Hefner for making people think he is a sex symbol, not just a boring herbivore.
A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.
BRITAIN is celebrating the royal pregnancy in the traditional way with nauseating tabloid headlines and inane daytime TV speculation.
WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.
THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.
UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.
CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.
PRINCE Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.
PRINCE George has declared his intention to become king as soon as possible and by any means necessary.
OJ SIMPSON, released from prison yesterday, has announced his intention to run for President of the United States.