Celebrity

Straight-to-streaming erotic thrillers, and six other future roles for Harry and Meghan

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are now free to go their own way, but what will they do with the rest of their lives? Here’s a few options:

Your country sucks, by Meghan Markle

IN simple terms, the reason Harry and I are stepping down from Royal duties and moving to Canada is this: Britain sucks.

Bring back Nazi Harry, say Mail readers

DAILY Mail readers have agreed that Prince Harry was much better when he was dressed as a Nazi.

It's not a real f**king job anyway, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has explained that it does not matter that he is stepping back as a senior Royal because it is not a real f**king job in any sense.

Danny Dyer to join Marvel cinematic universe as himself

DANNY Dyer is to join the Marvel cinematic universe as new Marvel hero Danny Dyer, he has confirmed.

Kate Middleton on Mary Berry show after Tory win sees middle England orgasm itself into catatonia

THE Duchess of Cambridge on A Berry Royal Christmas days after a landslide Tory win made middle England come so hard it has fried its brains.

Six reasons to thank f**k for Princess Anne

THE ROYAL family has gone to sh*t but the Princess Royal is actually alright. Here’s why.

Prince Andrew to sort everything out by saying she looked 18

PRINCE Andrew is to sort this whole mess out by announcing that he would have sworn the girl was 18.

59-year-old grounded by his mum

A 59-YEAR-OLD man has been grounded by his mother for having bad friends and lying about it. 

What should I be a pr*ck about next? by Piers Morgan

WHEN you’re a top breakfast TV presenter like me, it’s not always easy to know who or what to pour scorn on next. Here’s how I carefully choose subjects.

Queen 'may be 93-year-old who doesn't give a sh*t', say insiders

BUCKINGHAM Palace insiders have warned that the Prince Andrew crisis may be handled as if by a 93-year-old who no longer gives a bugger.

'This is all we f*cking need' confirm Pizza Express and Woking

TROUBLED restaurant chain Pizza Express and dreary town Woking have confirmed Prince Andrew's admission of visiting them is all they f*cking need.