Kate wears ordinary dress that cost two grand

THE UK has apparently gone wild for a perfectly ordinary, boring dress worn by the Duchess of Cambridge that cost almost two fucking grand.

Buckingham Palace gift incinerator at maximum capacity

THE Royal gift incinerator is working at maximum capacity, it has been confirmed.

See you in six months I'm off to Kabul, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has informed his wife that he has received an urgent military call-up and will return from Kabul in November.

Don't get excited, I've seen it, it's shit, says Kate

THE Duchess of Cambridge has warned Britain not to bother waiting for photos of her new nephew because he is ‘bang average’. 

Everything you 'need' to know about Baby Sussex

ARE you desperate to know every last detail about someone else’s baby? Read our slightly creepy guide.

Duchess of Sussex announces she's had a cushion up her top for six months

THE Duchess of Sussex has surprised the media by calling a press conference then whipping a cushion out from under her jumper.

How to be the sort of twat with your own 'personal brand'

DO you want a ‘personal brand’ like the Kardashians or various twats on YouTube? Here’s how to engage in endless tedious self-promotion instead of doing something worthwhile.

Social media more addictive than drugs and not as good, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has warned young people that social media is more addictive than illegal drugs without anything close to the same payoff.

Government to nationalise fashion chain Kate likes

TROUBLED fashion chain LK Bennett is to be saved by being taken into public ownership because the Duchess of Cambridge likes it.

Piers Morgan's guide to being the biggest twat in the universe

WOULD you like to be paid a fortune just for being an appalling twat all the time? Here Piers Morgan gives his priceless advice.

Stop this display of ostentatious wealth, says Queen in massive palace, with her crown

THE Queen is believed to be outraged at Meghan’s £300,000 baby shower, from beneath her jewelled crown in one of her many palaces.

Pregnant Meghan enjoys ill-timed night out with ISIS bride

THE Duchess of Sussex is under fire after enjoying a night out with Serena Williams, Jessica Mulroney, and ISIS bride Shamima Begum.