How to be the sort of twat with your own 'personal brand'

DO you want a ‘personal brand’ like the Kardashians or various twats on YouTube? Here’s how to engage in endless tedious self-promotion instead of doing something worthwhile.

Social media more addictive than drugs and not as good, says Harry

PRINCE Harry has warned young people that social media is more addictive than illegal drugs without anything close to the same payoff.

Government to nationalise fashion chain Kate likes

TROUBLED fashion chain LK Bennett is to be saved by being taken into public ownership because the Duchess of Cambridge likes it.

Piers Morgan's guide to being the biggest twat in the universe

WOULD you like to be paid a fortune just for being an appalling twat all the time? Here Piers Morgan gives his priceless advice.

Stop this display of ostentatious wealth, says Queen in massive palace, with her crown

THE Queen is believed to be outraged at Meghan’s £300,000 baby shower, from beneath her jewelled crown in one of her many palaces.

Pregnant Meghan enjoys ill-timed night out with ISIS bride

THE Duchess of Sussex is under fire after enjoying a night out with Serena Williams, Jessica Mulroney, and ISIS bride Shamima Begum.

Dad still unclear on David Bowie's sexuality

A RETIRED father has confirmed that he is still not entirely clear on whether David Bowie liked girls or not.

The actor's guide to not totally bollocksing up your career

ARE you a top Hollywood actor who has a baffling urge to do incredibly stupid things? Here’s how to stay likeable and employed.

Prince Philip 'has no idea Meghan is mixed-race'

PRINCE Philip is making the royal family incredibly tense due to still not realising his granddaughter-in-law is a person of colour.

Henry Hoover voted Remain

HENRY Hoover is a proud Remainer who will fight for a second vote for the people of Britain, manufacturers have confirmed. 

Philip asks Queen to take the points for him

PRINCE Philip has been trying to get his wife take the points for him, it has emerged.

'I'll do whatever the f**k I want', says 97-year-old who can do whatever the f**k he wants

A 97-YEAR-OLD who can do whatever he fucking feels like has confirmed his intention to do exactly that.