Celebrity

Genuinely puzzled Keith Richards survives 2016

ROLLING Stones legend Keith Richards has expressed his genuine surprise at surviving 2016.

'You are the most expendable part of this', says voice in Richard Hammond's head

THE voice inside Richard Hammond’s head has reminded him he is easily the most expendable part of Jeremy Clarkson’s TV entourage.

Jesus had goatee phase

JESUS had a goatee for a bit but nobody was into it, it has emerged.

Queen's speech to highlight how much mad shit happened in 2016

THE theme of the Queen's Christmas message is how much mental shit has happened lately, it has been revealed.

I would take them out with darts like Rambo, says Bristow

ERIC Bristow would go on a deadly darts rampage if he was threatened by abusers, he has announced.

Queen to teach Trump a thing or two about vulgar interior design

THE QUEEN will invite Donald Trump to Buckingham Palace to show him how to do gaudy interior design properly.

Queen 'to have everyone to stay once palace has been done up'

THE Queen has promised that everyone can spend a weekend at Buckingham Palace once the renovations are done.

Can I have one girlfriend without you bastards f**king it up? asks Harry

PRINCE Harry has asked the world’s media if he could just have one relationship that is not immediately ruined by bastard journalists.

Man at dinner party may be leader of the Liberal Democrats

A SMARTLY-DRESSED man at a posh dinner party may well be Tim Farron, fellow guests have realised.

Jamie Oliver wearily wanks out yet another f**king cookbook

JAMIE Oliver has wearily dumped yet another book of recipes, photographs and shit onto the market for Christmas.

We will abolish the monarchy if we hear one kind word about immigrants, says Sun

THE SUN has confirmed that if the Queen dares breathe one compassionate word about immigrants she is fucking gone.

Assange’s weird dreams shaping reality

JULIAN Assange’s weird dreams are controlling our reality.