Prince Charles to grow enormous beard

ROYAL aides have confirmed that Prince Charles is to give up his role as heir to the throne to pursue a career as a mouth-foaming prophet of doom.

One of these, please

Following his recent speech to the WWF in which he told the assembled guests they were all going to die in a river of molten pus, Prince Charles plans to stand outside Top Man in the West End of London and harangue shoppers via a small, battery-operated loudhailer.

Royologist, Denys Finch Hatton, said: “It’s the first time somebody has abdicated before they’ve even got to the throne but I saw him last night and I could tell, just by the way he was describing the 40 years of demon sodomy, that he was finally happy.

“All those years trying to be Prince Regent, world’s worst husband and architecture bore and it turns out his true calling was waving a set of scrawled runes in people’s faces and warning them about the coming of the Cthulu.”

Despite his former status, Charles will be expected to start on the bottom rung of soothsaying and will not be allowed to wear the hessian robes and sandals of office until he has completed a rigorous training course in Basic Divination and Apocalypse Foretelling.

After attaining his NVQ in the subject, Charles will then be apprenticed to Geoff the Seer, a respected oracle who for the last 30 years has warned Carlisle shoppers that a lake of fire will open under the local Tesco unless you stop eating wheat.

Geoff said: “He’ll get no special treatment from me and he’ll be expected to repair the placards and photocopy the poorly-written leaflets full of cramped writing and odd diagrams just like I did when I was starting out.

“But he’s already showing promise with his latest theory, in which he denounces himself as a shapeshifting lizard from Neptune.”