I will be just fine, says Earth

THE planet Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, insisting the most likely outcome is the extinction of humans.

The Earth broke its silence after years of environmental campaigns urging people to ‘Save the Planet’.

Earth said: “I’ll be absolutely fine, seriously. I might get a bit warmer and a bit wetter, but that actually sounds quite nice. Try living through an ice age. Pardon my French, but it’s absolutely fucking freezing.”

The four billion year-old planet, based 93 million miles from the Sun, said it was ‘sick and tired’ of being drawn into arguments about human behaviour.

“Look, I’m just a planet doing its thing, alright? If you want to live on me, that’s your business, but I’ve got important planet stuff to do. Try being in elliptical orbit, or balancing your gravitational pull with a medium-sized moon. Trust me, it’s difficult.”

The planet said environmental campaigners should change their slogan from ‘Save the Planet’ to something more relevant such as ‘Save Your Sorry Arse’.

Earth added: “Okay, so there may come a time when I am no longer able to support pandas, polar bears, and humans, but you know what? Life goes on.

“Who knows, I might end up being a haven for toads.”