Meat-Eaters To Finally Be Treated Like Smokers

MEAT-eaters are, at long last, to be treated like smokers, it has been confirmed.

Lord Stern's patented wind cowbine

Lord Stern, author of the UK government climate change report How Come You're Not Dead Yet?, said meat-eating must join alcohol and tobacco on the anti-social behaviour register and called for a massive increase in funding to make you feel like an utter shit, even in your dreams.

In advance of the Copenhagen summit on climate change he claimed that too many people had failed to grasp the implications of global warming and insisted that anyone who had cottage pie last night should be fired from their job, locked in a trunk and chemically sterilised to prevent them from corrupting as yet unborn vegetarians.

He added: "The thing about meat-eating is it uses up a huge amount of meat. This is meat that could be used to make wind turbines."

Meanwhile a group of environmental charities has already commissioned a series of television adverts designed to educate the public about how meat-eating kills polar bears, especially if you then intend to eat them like some kind of Eskimo.

In one film a parent is seen lifting a ham sandwich to his mouth. As it nears his lips his child starts crying hysterically. When the parent moves the sandwich away from his mouth the child stops crying immediately.

The parent then moves the sandwich back and forth as the child cries and then stops crying in perfect synchronisation. The parent then looks into the camera, smiles knowingly and throws the sandwich in the bin.

And in another advert a child is shown being slowly roasted on a spit alongside the caption 'Oi! meat-eaters! Why don't you just eat your fucking kid?'.

Tom Logan, a pork enjoyer from Hatfield, said: "I am amazed it has taken this long."