Most Mammals Now Bloated And Inefficient, Say Experts

OVER 50% of mammals need to outsource their core functions to a private contractor or face extinction, according to a right-wing biodiversity survey.

Is it time to privatise the dugong?

The report, Evolve Or Die – Market Forces In Nature, was commissioned by a neo-conservative zoo looking to rationalise its stock using cost-benefit analysis.

Thatcherite zoologist Bill McKay said: "Many species are lazy, feeble and totally unable to accept their place in the food chain. If natural selection were put out to tender they'd never have made it past the first round.

"While the meerkats were able to mount a robust defence for their existence using a mixture of shared social responsibility and price comparison websites, the giant pandas just sat on their own children like some fat, nationalised public utility."

McKay also condemned the three-toed-sloth for being trapped in the 1960s despite being given ample opportunity to turn itself into a lean, fast, hyper-efficient super-monkey.

He added: "How much longer can the blue whale, the Siberian tiger or the dugong come scrounging for tax-payer handouts at the expense of faster economic growth?

"If a blue whale cannot cut its costs, do more for less and generate significant annual returns then why should I be stopped from eating it?"

McKay's zoo, the Wiltshire-based Adam Smith Institute For Self-Financing Animal Units, will make 400 Sri Lankan short-tail voles redundant later this week to make room for a 13-acre cow enclosure in a deal part-financed by Angus Steak House.