Environment

UK completely unprepared for snow for 10,438th winter running

BRITAIN has once again found itself unprepared for snow as it has been since the beginning of recorded history.

All dogs on dog Tinder

DOGS are using social media for no-strings hookups with other dogs, it has emerged.

Hipster dog only likes 80s dog food that you can’t get any more

A DOG hipster will only eat an obscure type of vintage dog food that he enjoys in a semi-ironic way.

Budgies demand to be released from weird people’s homes

BUDGERIGARS imprisoned by weirdos around the UK have issued a statement pleading to be set free.

Endangered animals ‘guilty of poor financial planning’

THE loss of two-thirds of the earth’s wild animals in the next four years has been blamed on their refusal to earn and save money.

Big fat cat is totally body-confident

AN OVERWEIGHT cat is not at all self-conscious about it, he has confirmed.

Seagull stands on top of bin and proclaims himself king

A SEAGULL has landed at the summit of a litter bin and proclaimed himself the ruler of all he surveys.

Escaped gorilla is a metaphor for me, say all Londoners

LONDONERS have told the gorilla which tried to escape from London Zoo that it is all of them, and it was doomed from the start.

Bohemian, middle-class household just dirty

A HOUSEHOLD that describes itself as ‘bohemian’ just needs to tidy up and push the hoover round, guests have agreed.

Apes wonder why they haven’t taken over world yet

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job.

Hinkley Point nuclear plant to go-ahead because 'it's only near Bristol'

BUILDING a nuclear power station at Hinkley Point is fine because if anything should go wrong it only affects Bristol, it has been confirmed.

Southern Britain goes all fancy and continental in heatwave

ONE day of unexpected hot weather has transformed Southern Britons into languid continental-style sensualists.