Environment

Cat to continue sitting in window like he owns the f**king street

A CAT has announced plans to continue sitting in the front window of a house, watching over everything like Stalin in communist Russia.

Dog ready to take relationship with cushion to next level

A DOG has confirmed that he is ready to take his growing relationship with a cushion to a more physical level.

Huge fly announces plan for brief and confused visit to living room

A HUGE fly has announced plans to fly into living rooms in a fast and confused fashion before desperately trying to find his way out again.

Bird worried nest looks pretty lame

A BIRD is sceptical that a flimsy construction of twigs and mud is suitable to live in, he has admitted.

Lobsters mental

EVERYONE should take a moment to consider how mental lobsters are, according to experts.

Anywhere getting snow must have done something to deserve it, say southerners

THE north of England and Scotland are only getting snow because they have done something terrible to deserve it, southerners believe.

Man who brought own shopping bag wants a f**king medal

A SHOPPER who brought a bag from home expects to be treated like a hero.

Farmers celebrate spring by spraying shit everywhere

FARMERS have decided to spray gallons of rotting excrement everywhere now that it is nice to go outside again, it has emerged.

Woman launches campaign to ban microbeads after she’s finished her shower gel

A WOMAN has launched a campaign to ban microbeads as soon as she has finished a particularly expensive bottle of shower gel.

Britain enchanted by birds telling each other to f**k off

BRITAIN is enjoying the wonderful springtime sound of birds singing at each other to f**k off out of it.

Scientists find shorter python that compensates with sense of humour

SCIENTISTS have discovered a python of below average length that makes up for it by cracking jokes.

Dogs demand rational explanation for farts

THE UK’s baffled dogs have demanded to know what farts are, it has emerged.