Environment

London now literally toxic as well as metaphorically

LONDON is now smothering its residents literally as well as metaphorically. 

Courgette famine yet to claim first victim

NOBODY has starved to death so far despite a desperate lack of courgettes reaching British shores.

Everyone moaning about snow whether they’ve had any or not

HEAVY snow or hardly any snow are both a great excuses for a massive whine, the UK population has confirmed.

Lobster can't believe he ended up in bloody Lidl

A LOBSTER is dismayed to have ended up in the frozen food section of Lidl, he has confirmed.

Met Office thanks your dad for Facebook weather updates

THE Met Office has thanked your dad for keeping people up-to-date with the weather via Facebook.

Scotland experiencing first-ever bout of bad weather

SCOTLAND is experiencing bad weather for the first time in its history.

Sheep actually full of radical opinions

MANY sheep have extreme political views, it has emerged.

Cat acting hard because he is outside

A CAT is acting tough because of being outside.

Normal-sized rat spotted

A RAT that is 'the size of a normal rat' has been sighted.

Mums treating cold weather like deadly radiation

MUMS are treating the fairly cold weather as if it were lethal radiation, it has been confirmed.

Flooding in new areas now a pre-Christmas tradition

FLOODING in places that have never suffered flooding before is now an annual pre-Christmas event, it has been confirmed.

UK completely unprepared for snow for 10,438th winter running

BRITAIN has once again found itself unprepared for snow as it has been since the beginning of recorded history.