THE divide between Britain being ridiculously, painfully hot and absolutely fucking freezing is starker than ever, meteorologists have confirmed.
EVERYTHING in the UK now has some glitter on it because of Glastonbury, it has been confirmed.
AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.
A MAN has awoken on his sofa with the front and back doors propped open and a formerly frozen bag of sweetcorn on his head.
THE UK would embrace common ownership of the means of production if it meant decent air-conditioning.
BRITAIN is throwing itself into murky ponds and wearing bright yellow shorts just because it is hotter than normal, it has emerged.
BRITAIN has confirmed it is panting like a dog and that hot weather is stupid and wrong.
DONALD Trump has pulled the US out of the liberal consensus of having a ‘2’ at the beginning of the year.
DONALD Trump is to pull out of the Paris climate accords after visiting Paris and judging the weather to be perfectly lovely.
A DOG has been left confused after the concept of dignity was explained to him.
BRITAIN enjoyed a full minute of optimum sunshine this morning before everyone started moaning about the heat.
TORY fears of a brutal fox insurgency are growing after one of them was spotted trying to ride a horse.