Environment

Warmest winter on record still utterly horrible

BRITAIN’S warmest winter on record has still been a nightmare of rain and darkness, it has been confirmed.

An extra day of February, how f**king fantastic, says Britain

BRITONS are absolutely delighted to be enjoying an extra day of their favourite month of the year.

Scotland to release polar bears into wild just to see what happens

POLAR bears are to be set free into the Scottish countryside for the hell of it.

Big fat pigeon to continue being a prick to smaller pigeons

A FAT bastard of a pigeon has announced that he will continue to be a prick to other, smaller pigeons.

Bronze Age families 'lived like middle class twats'

ARCHAEOLOGISTS believe that Bronze Age families lived much like the middle class of today, with lots of wooden stuff and artisanal pottery.

Starfish washes up on beach and gets carried around in dog’s mouth

A DEAD starfish has washed up on a Norfolk beach, where it is being carried around by a dog.

Cameron reluctantly pulls on wellies and prepares to wank out some fake sympathy

THE prime minister has grudgingly agreed to visit flood victims for one final time, it has emerged.

Wales not sure how it could be more prepared for rain

RESIDENTS of Wales are not particularly alarmed at the prospect of heavy rain, it has emerged.

Snowfall in unimportant 70 per cent of country may hit London, forecasters warn

THE snow which has hit Scotland, the North and parts of the Midlands could affect areas that matter, forecasters have warned.

Coldness confirmed during neighbour climate summit

NEIGHBOURS have confirmed the recent drop in temperature during a top level over-the-fence meeting.

Bronze Age village was furious about Iron Age migrants

THE residents of a Bronze Age village were bitterly opposed to Iron Age migrants from Europe, archaeologists have found.

Britain demands hibernation scheme

BRITAIN has demanded the right to sleep through the winter like a hedgehog.