A FAMILY have spent the holidays giving their National Trust cards an absolute f**king hammering.
THE recent sunny weather has lead to a sharp increase in dickheads going to the park.
ANY lay-by, alleyway or domestic garden that does not display a ‘No Fly Tipping’ sign is open for fly-tipping, local authorities have confirmed.
A CAT'S confidence is being undermined by protruding ear hair, it has emerged.
LONDONERS are against pollution cuts because clean air hurts their poison-adapted lungs, it has emerged.
A GROUP of hipsters have spent an ironic week in the country laughing at the backwardness of the benighted locals.
SPRING is more or less the same as winter, it has been confirmed.
BRITAIN’S brief joy at the arrival of spring has ceased after remembering that it will rain solidly for two months of it.
A CAT has rejected the chance to go outside, despite having seemed incredibly keen to do so.
A CHAOS Daemon from space wargame Warhammer 40,000 has shamefacedly yielded to PETA’s request to remove fur from its armour.
LONDON is now smothering its residents literally as well as metaphorically.
NOBODY has starved to death so far despite a desperate lack of courgettes reaching British shores.